muz say tis. proud of myself, juz tt today is totally not my day.

i made 3 shots on target.

left top corner.

right bottom corner.

straight shot.

not my luck. none went in.

still hapie with wat i can do.

shuld hv formed a team.

FUCK it!

bad day.

to start things of, i realised i was being played worse than a fool by the 'soccer-betting team'. guess wat? i dint lose $40 aft all, i lost $1. kept in the dark for one whole day. sensed sth fishy while we were walking towards parkway when wx & ph started to tok abt $40. from then, i knew sth was wrong, juz kept quiet. only jm was probing. anyway i'm not offended. don't worry.

during physics, ok there was no lesson, it was more lyk a pw claz discussion, keith told me yuming is going back to m'sia. WHAT THE FUCK?! c'mon man, we've gotta present on tues to mr lee and not tt he dint contribute to the whole OP, he noes fucking nuts abt the whole damn project.

so wat now? our grades get fucked up becos of one fucking irresponsible scholar who has decided not to pursue uni studies in s'pore? for god's sake, OP is 1/3 of the total grade. it's all juz gonna show tt the grp is not cohesive. if i could, i'd reali wish to blast at his fuck face.

got fucked by the aohea teacher during OCIP meeting. basically she was juz unhappy with the way we handled our part. wat to do? i've got slackers lyk glenn, j-en, bingliang, alphis, jon ong (03A53), maybe me? seriously kao peh us lyk shit. everything juz wasn't rite.

then came floorball. played the first match and the last match. trust me, i don't tink i ever wanna play with thoz S2 girls again. feel fucking outta place. and i bet all the smiles were fucking superficial. can u imagine i sat all alone watching aft the laz match while waiting for my mum? and to tink nonis actually came to talk to me. how pathetic can tt get?

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

happy for jan though - floorless won. she was such a good goalkeeper. well done girl!

my mum fetched me from sch. it was raining too heavily. she suddenly dumped on me a whole lot of 'i hv no more drive' feelings on me. it's been a rough day for me, tt was the laz i expected. but i can't juz leave her liddat rite? i could only try my bez to console her, made her see some underlying philosophical theory and maybe exercise tmr. sweating it out should for the trick, if not at least tentatively. believe me, she listens to me a lot. wateva i say she takes into consideration and sometimes it aids.

to top things up, i'm having a sore throat. maybe also the reason for such a foul mood.

immediate remedy would be a msg from him. i tink i can juz dream on. he's too bz mugging.

juz received news. should i be hapie or should i be sad? bowling captain wants to leave for sajc. do u see the big picture? tink further.

i'm a congested bottle neck now. feel lyk exploding. so many things on hand, i can't cope. gonna breakdown anytime, at least in terms of health, it's starting to show.

oh jm said i got 40 upon 50 for paper 2 for the chinese mock. seriously found it hard. maybe hard work reali pays off sometimes. then again, maybe they're (jm & wx) are playing me around again? i nv noe till mon. so shall wait and see.

pardon my language. i'm feeling ultimately vexed. tis is the bez place to release everything.

by the way, Happy Halloween!

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

how should i start? the day got worse and worse and worse till aft chi mock exam i was totally shagged. the lessons seem so unbearable, time nv seems to pass. how how how?

got a splitting headache now. muz be the aftermath of a nonsense "exam". compo was ok, maybe becos i did a compre on the topic abt youngsters idol-worshipping yest. paper 2 was tough, felt lyk juz sitting there and stone, couldn't tink anymore. anyway it's over! so heck it!

suddenly remembered jeremy's (CT rep) bdae is tmr, so bot a tiramisu cake from cake history. well, there was a request for choc cake so i guessed tiramisu would be a gd combination of choc and lighter flavours. juz hope it tastes ok becos i only eat tiramisu at pasta fresca and the ones my mum made. so far only these 2 can make it, the rest, erm, no comments.

my darling couz visited me today. wanted to give his gf a surprise but she "surprised" him instead cos her parents were back. was chatting with him as usual, then tot tt maybe it was time she make known tis 4-yr relationship to her parents?

been a long and tiring day. finally finished stats tutorial with the help of reference material from jm's tutorial. oopz! hehz.

oh GOOD NEWS! chanks is helping me so tt i can try out chem S paper. thanx a million! reali grateful for tt. if u're reading tis now since u "stumbled" onto our blogs, juz wanna say words can't express enough my gratitude.

it's gonna be conditional. i hope i can pull thru. actually i noe i can do it, it's juz a matter of how much effort i'm willing to put in. feeling dam extra cos initially i was the only one taking one S paper. now, thoz in claz taking S papers are taking phy & math, so i'm running a one-man-show taking chem & math other than kar seng who is taking all 3. genius, i hv nutin to say.

to wrap up things up, i wished him gd luck for his prac tmr. at the same time confirmed the date on 18th Nov. hope everything turns out smooth and nice.

can somebody plz tempt me to watch matrix revolutions? cos he asked me to wait for him but it's coming out on the 5th.

signing up for OGL. hopefully tis one goes thru as well. then, the interview's on the 18th. how? nvm. chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi. understand? things will work out themselves.

"We have a hunger of the mind which asks for knowledge of all around us, and the more we gain, the more is our desire; the more we see, the more we are capable of seeing."

changed the pic! lyk finally as some of u would say. yupz shuld noe by now tis is my all-time-fav show.

btw, ignore wat i said earlier. wanted to delete the entry but, NVM.

did i tell u how much i love my mummy? she's really the best i've ever had! (figure of speech cos u can only hv one mummy a lifetime) seriously, she's so darn supportive, asked me to think thru properly, if need be, repeat yr 1 to fulfil my bio course. to my knowledge, moz parents would nv agree to tt, it's the face issue. maybe i'm wrong, but i noe none of my aunts would consent. im their shinning star, how can i be seen otherwise?

anyway by now u shuld hv guessed tt i only hv my mum, dad's long gone. yeap, broken family. as i far as i noe, it is his fault. maybe u can use the word 'abandon' but it is not as if he's doing very well over in cambodia. supposedly there to start a bzness, started a family instead. tis happened in p6.

honestly i dun feel much, juz tt i haven learnt to ans ppl when they ask. i try to avoid the question. somehow there's no running away, gotta face up to reality sooner or later. guess it takes a whole lot of maturity to deal with such problems. i only decided to open up in jc life becos in sec sch, there are still totally immature ppl ard who aft knowing will go round pointing fingers. maybe i was afraid of criticisms but now, i decided tt if ppl still judge me based on family background, they are definitely worth my frenship.

used to be extremely close to my mum till she betrayed my trust and it happened b4 my O levels. how great is tt rite? doesn't matter anymore, slowly patching up the spaces b/w us when we drifted. i dunno if i hv forgiven her but i still respect her. after all, she was the one who raised us, struggled, toiled, did everything for our sake. although i told her str8 in her face i lost all respect for her when she played me lyk a fool, i'm gradually blinding myself to all the obscenities and respecting her once more.

i've been wanting long ago to say all tis but couldn't find the right opportunity. maybe tis is an advantage of a blog. i'm bound to face questions and i hate to face them so here it is. i'm happy to hv strived thus far. once or twice, i contemplated blaming the whole matter if i were to fail in my studies but it is a really childish way of thinking. i stand on firm on taking charge of my own life, no one's to be responsible.

hahaz feel relieved yet at the same time dunno how to face those who i will see tmr reading tis. hope i survive.

can't believe myself. switched on hp in the canteen today, there were a few msgs which i dint expect cos usually my phone's quiet in the daytime. one of them was from him, though a forwarded msg but it juz brightened my day. wat was reali funny was a smile naturally grew from ear to ear. been in a real good mood, hope it stays lyk tis for some time. my temper's getting very short. losing control, losing grip.

i tink i can sing jessica simpson's 'i think i'm in love' already though for now, it's one-sided. till "judgement" day will i noe my fate. hehz. i'm a bit cuckoo liaoz. shall maintain my happiness while i complete outstanding tutorials.

"I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace."

surprise surprise!! my dentist was kinda chatty today. asked abt results, how i spent my long deepavali weekend etc. once in a lifetime manz, maybe many more to come. it wasn't an ouch-ful day, so on the whole not too bad.

left sch early, pon the second math lec of the day. got home, went for a jog, couldn't take lunch by then. it was a big mistake to hv indian rojak in sch. felt so bloated. the tot of the flour expanding in my stomach makes me shudder.

i tot my results were bad, still my siblings did worse. how to help them? any suggestions?

blogging has become a boring routine. i'm left w/o words. maybe i shuld start crapping abt him?

oh b4 tt, i muz warn all of u, esp clazmates abt my fiery temper. getting easily irritated nowadays. quite shocked initially cos thruout the yr i guess i've been controlling myself well enuff. maybe it has all built up so i can erupt lyk a dormant volcano now awake anytime.

another reason could be him. HIM. i'm so confused now. i dun wanna tink but i can't help it. i'm quite sure tis time i reali lyk him. at least aft the discussion thruout chem lec.

the thing now is tt will my feelings be reciprocated? it's countdown to the end of his Os, also to the day i get to meet him and maybe the day i reveal my bare heart.

see, i juz can't give up. hahaz from now on, i shan't keep saying i wanna give up cos deep down i noe i can't and i won't, not w/o a try at least. so many ppl encouraging me, tt includes denise, so i muz fite on! get back my fighting spirit, my determination, the old strong ME!

"Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?"

my luck is bad, so so bad. lost mj again! played with my sis, mum & ah kong. lousy cards, on top of tt, juz can't game. maybe i should take a break.

highlight of the day: greatest achievement. i watched Lord of the Rings - the Fellowship of the Rings on vcd. yes u heard me right, VCD. 3 hour show can. nv could i not fall asleep while watching vcd. anyway the show's fantastic. looking forward to watching the Two Towers.

baked shepherd's pie.

rotted the whole day at home. quite preoccupied actually. wasn't feeling all tt bored.

shawn - dearie couz - came for dinner. been so long since i last saw him. missed him!

mavis dropped by too. together we went to Secret Recipe at siglap for cakes aft dinner.

so we did our couz-to-couz talk. hahaz he told me to go for it!

"u're not young anymore. juz try." great advice?

okie i tink i beta stop crapping. enuff of updates. gotta do chi compo. haven started.

why do i see the beginning of the end nearing?

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

uni admission talks? appreciate it only if u hv sth in mind alredi. if not, u'll end up hving more options open to u and feeling more confused and lost than ever, not knowing where to go or wat to do.

lost mj, why am i not surprised? dint manage to game at all. was a parasite for "kangs" & "kas". thank gdness panda to the rescue. well, i was kind enuff to walk and buy lunch rite?

won soccer. for once liverpool performed a miracle. phew! covered my mj losses. dire consequence: large hole in my pocket.

plans for tmr? nutin!! WHY WHY WHY? juz chatted with him. he wans to study at home. i understand. however i find it pathetic for someone to celebrate bdae studying, doing work, anything but relaxing.

i juz knew tis wasn't my day from the start.

to make things worse, today was cheung cheng high sch's graduation ceremony. my aunt's ward, indonesian emerged as top in standard. if i'm not wrong, he received the book prize. of cos i'm hapie for him, in all honesty but wat reali fucked me up was when my grandfather told me abt it and said i muz do the same.

can i fucking lead my own life? STOP COMPARING! i'm sorry to say (aunties u forced me to) i don't hv to be the top to know i'm the best. wanna compare? show me ur cca record! leadership postions? achievements? u hv NONE! zero, kosong, wateva.

i know it is not ur fault, u nv wanted to compare, juz lyk i nv did, but circumstances under the aunties' incessant "flaunting" has made me dig up all these thots. seriously, u dun hv a life! whereas i believe i'm an all-rounder and will continue to strive to be. my grades may not be perfect but i noe i'm top 5% in sec sch. there is only one captain for each cca and proud to say, 'i was.' social life? got a wide circle of frens. call it notorious or infamous, i don't fucking give a damn.

truly apologetic for the vulgarities but i need to get tis off my chest. my dinner was horid with my aunt blabbering. wanted to stand up immedaitely and leave the table but i should still mind my manners.

i dunno wat she's trying to prove. do u noe tt on thurs during GP when we were watching Bowling for Columbine, she msg-ed juz to break such news to me. izzit an insult or wat? the more i tink, the worst i get.

maybe it was juz the talks in the afternoon tt fouled my mood. THANK GOD for my ever-so-understanding mother. luckily for me, she stopped them from comparing. c'mon, in tis era, to each his own.

nutin's going smoothly. the poor tie will not meet its owner till 18th nov (tentative date). i'll be so bz when he's free. nepal, hopefully OGL, and there's a church camp i'm contemplating.

time is definitely not on my side, neither is luck. worse still, i tink fate has turned its back on me. has the fucking world left me alone?

"Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament."

current fav past-time: SHOPPING!

"shop till u drop baby"

more lyk shop till ur feet can't take it anymore.

bot his tie - cream color - from topman. $19 CHIO~

bot my top - brown & beidge - from samuel & kevin. $24 i LIKE~

joy ride to jurong east for charity fiesta.

thx jm & wx for spending tis wonderful Deepavali hol with me. hope there are many more shopping times to come.

in the mean time, let's save up first.

oh i told them i felt the pinch having to spend so much on him, not alot actually but to me it's quite an amount. so they questioned if i reali lyked him. i dunno?

"Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."

3-0! pathetic fools. maybe it wasn't totally their fault, after all there were sec 4s playing and star players initially "abstaining". vj soccer, work harder! i'm sure the cup can be urs again next yr.

training resumes next fri. lyk finally?! can u sense the sarcasm & anticipation? hopefully uncle francis will work some wonders to idiots lyk me who hasn't touched the ball since the combined schs selections. sounds almost history alredi.

i can hungry very easily nowadays but juz a tiny pau will fill me. wat's going on? i wonder.

nutin much to say today, it's has been a simple day. got loads of chinese to complete. mock exam is next wed. totally overwhelmed with the numerous and continuous chi exams.

still no reply. tink there's not gonna be any. shall enjoy Deepavali with my frenz instead since my mum is also going out, pang seh-ing me.

Infantile love follows the principle: "I love because I am loved."
Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love."
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

i thot i shuld blog b4 i carry on with some chinese work. been a rather dull day for me, 3 periods of chinese, actually wasn't too bad cos moz of the time we were doing assignments from the handouts. nutin seem to spur me on. wonder why too? maybe it's him?

had the OCIP meeting aft sch, of cos i made it in. *1 clap* played dumb ice breakers lyk 'blow wind blow'. poor bingliang was sabo-ed lyk nobody's bzness. 4 times. in the end he and glenn had to do a forfeit - dance! can u imagine? i muz say they're real sports, not too bad aft all.

split up into grps for the preparation. Booklet-Logistics-Items-Purchases. initially wanted to go P but there were juz too many ppl and some refused to budge so ended up in I. worse still, bingliang, alphis, glenn, j-en, ravin are all in the grp, dam out sia. lucky there's huiqing there with me. overall was quite ok, ms oon is i/c for I, everybody contributed ideas but of cos not missing out on bingliang who was so full of crap.

i'm not exactly looking forward to the trip anymore. so many things to be done. gotta juggle all aspects and there's many meetings coming up. can't stand meetings, makes me very sleepy. juz bores me to death. departing: 25-11-03 returning: 05-12-03. gonna miz the party on the 4th if there is one.

was telling my mum abt x'mas eve party. guess wat? she actually told me to go for it, cos i can always go the church on x'mas day itself. amazing. nvm i tink i still wanna attend the midnite mass. it's been a routine for me all along so shall stick with it. at least i can get to see ken c. he's changed. that's sad. and he's known as my fav guy to denise, to my relatives. so be it.

msg-ed him juz now. asked him out. no confirmation. either fri or sun or NONE?! moz prob the case. bdae prezzie is really abt the thot tt counts, so still buy tie? gotta go shop but i hv a meeting aft sch tmr. sianz 1/2. see how.

no plans yet for the long weekend. sorie guys but he's gonna be top priority. as long as he gives the green lite, i'll meet him ya. sometimes i wonder why i even bother? i tink i'm juz paranoid. simply no sense of security. where can i ever find solace? maybe i dun wan him to come to vj aft all.

"Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me.

i'm supposed to be doing probability tutorial, so wat the hell am i doing here? actually juz came home not too long ago from orchard. yest was suntec, today orchard. my mum brot me there. yippie! amazing! real reason behind it: she had to meet a client at hyatt hotel so she tot let's not waste the parking (per entry) and go shopping. she needed to get a prezzie for her superior i tink and i was looking ard aimlessly. still tinking of whether i shuld get his prezzie or not. tt's besides the pt. anyway it ended up with me getting a denim skirt from pepperplus at wisma $24. i tot it was reasonable becos i saw many others ranging from $29 to $59. was it reali a steal? so now i'm down to saving up for the mango top which i tried again to let my mum see, BUT she dint. she was juz sitting down and waiting for me. tt's one thing i dun lyk when i shop with her, she'll walk out of the shop when i'm halfway thru' and wait outside. obviously i'll feel bad and get out immediately. can neva reali get to explore the collection properly. nevertheless, i'm still quite happy over the skirt. dunno why siaz, maybe cos i've been window shopping too much? finally got my hands on sth.

on the way back, we were stuck outside le meridien for 20min cos Bush was in the istana. don't understanf why they hold up traffic for such a long time. they can jolly well stop the cars 5min b4 he come out? arghz. why muz he come? he's lyk honey and terrorists are lyk bees. geddit?

*sad mood time* i've got a fucked up grade for GP. a flat pass. my whole promos is a compromise. wat is going on? thankfully it is still generally an uptrend. however, the feeling i get is my studies is on a decline. screwed up! agitated, totally.

*lighter note* believe it or not, i jogged 5 rounds ard my estate tis evening. wanted to go for tuition aft sch but my teacher dint wan me. hahaz too many ppl today. then panda & jm asked me to jog with them. seriously dint mind but i had no attire with me. asking me to go back to get it is as good as asking me to stay home for the rest of the day. took a 1.5h nap when my mum woke me up. happily jogged, feel refreshed. actually i'm doing it cos our pe periods are being sacrificed for chinese. WTH?! i feel good although i dunno how far i actually covered.

tmr there's nepal trip briefing, waiting in anticipation. guess i'm not gonna do any work tonite. at least i went thru the SAT ans in the afternoon. realised had 1 wrong & 1 blank for math. verbal part can eat shit and die la. sianz si le. shall go watch my shows now. ciaoz!

i miz him, actually his voice.

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

seriously i tink friendster's screwed, getting sick and tired of the unceasing refreshing of page and not being able to log in. having so many friends' request but there's nutin i can do abt it unless it fixes itself quick. it's irritating me alredi.

so wat's new today? results? pool? actually i dunno how i shuld feel, shuld i be satisfied/happy? or shuld i feel bad/sad abt not working harder and doing beta? honestly i noe tt i've put in more effort as compared to midyr (DUH!), reflected in the grades - BCCC. can somebody enlighten me? tell me how i shuld be feeling? the consolations i get "hey it's not bad alredi" or "wah dam sway" cos all my Cs are very high, missed the B by 1 or 2 marks. overall i improved except for math. from my midyr results it seems lyk my A comprised the D to a C for chem. is tt gd or bad? i'm not even tinking of S paper yet although onli eligible for one pathetic math.

to cheer things up, i got 74.5 for chi! hurray! i consider it an A1 grade, who cares? the not-so-gd news is tt now my mum expects me to get the same grade for the end yr AO paper. i'll try my bez! tmr getting back GP, praying very hard i won't drop though i noe i will. was the same kinda feeling i had juz now while at classic pool-ing. totally not in the mood. wingz msg, tot she wuld ask me out. nope. false hope. fortunately for me, shawn did the honours. hehz ended up in cafe cartel at suntec for dinner, his treat! thanx! i'm not so mean, i treated him to cake at Secret Recipies, finally get to try thecake. the cheesecake was absolutely cheese. one word: shiok~!

maybe i shuld reali hv choosen bio over math, guessed i could hv scored. tt's not pt! pt is i'm all mixed up at tis moment. partially due to results, partially due to u-noe-who. hv tis feeling mingz is snatching him away, or maybe i suddenly feel inferior. then again wat's there for me to be inferior? in wat way will i lose out to her? she is beta in bowling (not exactly tt impt to me), she may hv the figure, anymore? nah not to me. it's all so superficial. i can confidently say i can beat her hands down in studies, in juggling my social & academic life, managing the team, character-wise maybe too. i dunno. he hasn't called since a long time. is he too bz? or am i paranoid? since paranoia hits me real hard at times.

i wanna give up! somebody save me! maybe he shuld not come vj aft all, go elsewhere, i'll lead a happier life. been searching for a tie as his prezzie but don't seem to hv fate with any of the tie shops. maybe we're juz not meant to be. i tink i shuld not bother so much abt his bdae. it's juz another ordinary day. it'll pass soon. i dun wanna waste my efforts getting nutin in return. i dun wanna regret giving so much yet end up feeling terribly disappointed. as for now, i'll play by my heart. all i noe is tt rite now, i don't feel rite.

"Love is the most terrible, and also the most generous of the passions; it is the only one that includes in its dreams the happiness of some one else."

good day! went fila sale with my mum aft lunch, nutin to buy, expected. so the usual sunday procedures follow - sian-ning at home. lucky jm asked me to go shopping. had a great time! well at least i felt i did sth productive. though i dint buy anything, i saw 2 mango tops i lyk, beta still the price is reasonable. best thing: pang was with us. surprising he was quite enthu, actually helped choose clothes and give comments. bot a pair of jeans for his belated bdae prezzie. bot jm a white mng long sleeve, off-shoulders top for her prezzie too. tot of buying a tie for his bdae but dint manage to find anything within budget and suitable. initially tot there was a tie shop at wisma but seems lyk they revamped the area. tried my luck at ck tangs, saw one nice one, the color was mild yet unique. now here comes the shocking part: 50% of $99. HA HA HA. wow! tie, stay away form me. why would anyone pay so much for a tie? *sigh* nvm i'll keep looking. not much time left - 7 days.

anyway, thanx jm & ph for such a wonderful shopping experience. hope u guys enjoyed urself too! of cos, looking forward to more of such outings. also, don't forget abt our pact abt cheong-ing since i dun tink anyone else in claz will go. now i can't wait for the hols to come then can hv fun but which oso means $, sth i'm terribly short of.

"Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

Walk Away - Christina Aguilera

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds
Woke up in love and seems so great, deeper, deeper
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world
Ahh...

My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you

Only thing I need to do is walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

vjc open house 2003 - the best yet the worst. here's the irony: when i'm there, it was hell loads of fun, although i had an irritating junior who couldn't stop sticking to me. latest brand of adhesive. i had to find means and ways to slip away. basically it was all juz nutin but fun. the open house was a success, dam happening! danced 11 mass dances altogether. legs are aching. even played a fool at the DJ booth, spoke some crap and paiseh-ed myself, but who cares? it was all in the name of fun. then, MY guest-of-honour arrived. he went str8 up to the pe dept, so JeM & i stole peeks from outside. finally when he was done, he came down. went over to say 'hi'. felt rather weird. he's still looking good as ever, at least to me. my heart fluttered when i saw him, it was tt wonderous feeling. jm's comments: quite pei la. why? cos both so big size. hahaz. enuff abt him. marcus aw, tt rich bastard kid came down. dam childish, use water gun to shoot me. he hung out with alphis, wonder if he's the same type as well. seniors came down too! ehz actually nutin exciting rite? bored of seeing them alredi. one thing to take note: i was telling jm yest during s cube seminar tt sooner or later i'll get to noe jason ng. true enuff, i spoke to him today. moral: i do wat i say? sheesh~!

now, from the moment he left, i started to feel weird. was halfway thru the mass dance, dint even get the chance to say 'bye'. sadz. tt's besides the pt. dint exactly hv a very gd nite as well. seems lyk a decline. my whole brain's juz filled with nutin but 2 words - his name - u noe it, i'm not saying. was physically drained, mentally strained. even in church when i fell asleep, could even dream of him. maybe i was juz tinking abt him too dam much. amazing yet scary. cos it is a sign tt i'm falling too deep and i dun wan it to happen.

been pondering the whole evening abt wat i shuld do? i wanna give up, it's too painful a process, i dun wanna hurt myself. at the same time, i can't give up juz liddat, w/o a fite, w/o anything done. how? wat shuld i do? tt question has been whirling in mind for hours, obviously no ans found. tis is a very bad sign. i tink i reali lyk him alot, or do i? maybe it's juz another infatuation period? maybe it'll pass? there are thousand and one MAYBEs, but all i ask is for a definite ans. i was doing great since sec 4 till recently. not getting involved, enjoying time with frens, chillin' out, wat more can i ask rite? whereas with tis whole idea of relationships, it really, really hurts. the b4, the after, the in-b/w all will send daggers thru ur heart. love is not sth u wanna trifle with, trust me. LOVE HURTS.

"i really need to noe how u feel, yet i'm afraid of knowing the truth. i wish i dare ask u, i wish someone wuld ask u, i wish..."

ate sakae sushi..aGaiN~! FULL! hahaz crashed tj & mj openhouse today with wingz & jan. guess wat? xiao hui noes jm too. how much smaller can tis world get? me & JeM lyk somehow inter-related. first was denise, then justicia, now xH. these few days i've been going thru sth lyk a "frenship" shock. preparing myself for more to come. heez. oh also, the lieutenant who shared his NS experience today, was shawn's clazmate. QIAO! tt's abt the onli word i can use to describe the whole situation. slept thruout the whole talk until jason ng took to the mike. suddenly a claz pic of 00S37 flashed and i was awake almost immediately. was pointing to jm where shawn was though i myself had a hard time trying to recognise him. saw his mich-chio-bu at the same time too. sweet girl, unfortunately she's attached, poor guy. hahaz i sympathize, not empathize.

i'm gonna spend more time on friendster now than writing my entries. still very amazed at the links, also wanna look for old frenz. anyway i've gotta sort things out b4 i can pen them. tmr's vj openhouse. looks lyk it's gonna be hot! they actually hv thoz air man, erm thoz being constantly blown by a generator. and pang's one of the DJs! we'll see wat degree he'll take things to. in the meantime, watch out for my next entry. hahaz.

"Love is the most terrible, and also the most generous of the passions; it is the only one that includes in its dreams the happiness of some one else."

Psycho Girl - Busted

she's so weird it scares me, i don't think she likes me.
and thinking of her name is driving me insane.

she's my psycho girl
my psycho grilfriend,
everything i say, she takes it the wrong way.
she's my psycho girl,
my living nightmare
she's everything i need, but i can't stand her.

i can't change her thinking,
but she's so goodlooking,
and thinking of her name is driving me insane.

we spent the night in,
we started fighting.
since then its never been the same.
thinking of her name, is driving me insane.

help!! i dunno wat i'm doing!! i'm trapped in the middle again - 2 guys. or at least tt is wat i feel.

played pool today, my breaking skills hv improved by leaps. quite impressed with myself. becos all the time when i play with girls, i'll hv to be the one to break, so gradually it gets beta. overall not too bad, haven lost so much of the touch. came home, sianz ard, sianz online then decided to play with my friendster. woohoo~! glad i actually bothered cos i found justicia - p1 to p4 clazmate. much to my surprise, she was JeM's sec3&4 clazmate. wat a small world! u noe all the big talk abt globalisation and how it shrinks the world? i say friendster allows u to see how the world is linked and is definitely a catalyst for an even smaller world.

the best surprise of the day: "i tink i may end up in vj if i can't get my humanities scholarship." guess who? HiM, duh! a pleasant surprise indeed, although i do not wan to get my hopes up high. nothing's confirmed yet. i'll not noe until the posting results are out, but even then, he could still be at liberty to appeal to the other so-called beta jcs. better still, he called. my, am i not surprised. however, i tink i did a terrible job in "promoting" vj cos he said i sounded more lyk "de-moting" the sch. wat'd u wan me to do? i can't bring myself to lie thru my teeth and "attract" ppl here. somehow i regret my decision (seems lyk i always do anyway) if not for the dist. factor, it'll be living hell! he should be here for open hse tis sat aft national colors award. kinda looking forward to seeing him although i'll moz prob be meeting him sometime tis mth for his bdae on the 26th.

on the other hand, when we spoke was ard 2330h cos he wanted to study earlier on and i was toking to shawn. actually i was waiting for his call but dint tell shawn. now i feel bad. hahaz. why am i laffing? sadist. he called, initially said i will call shawn back but decided to ask him to sleep, then he said, "someone impt izzit?" implications of tt statement? i tink u alredi figured by now. i juz hope i'm being over-sensitive. frenz frenz frenz. no more no less rite?

tis however coincides with my conversation with my darling (gurl) yest. she was persuading me to consider shawn, quite a gd catch, so on and so forth. best part was tt i actually had the cheek to tell her, "getting shawn is not gonna be a problem at all but i don't want, i wanna concentrate on ken." still i noe tt being with the older guy, i'll definitely feel very secure as compared to being with him, i foresee immense insecurities and unnecessary worries. moreover, at tis pt in time, i'm still so look-conscious. i hv to admit i do bother abt wat ppl will say. i'm sorry but shawn doesn't fit wat i would call acceptable. my opinion. he doesn't appeal to me in terms of looks, maybe only character. he's always qian jiu me. gd or bad? i dunno. i'm juz so stubborn, i rather give the non-ideal chase a shot. with each call, i'll be a step closer yet somehow seem so far away. yea it's the kind of dangling feeling u'll get. girl pursue guy, weird huh.

i tink he is oblivious to all my intentions, or maybe he pretends? i try not to read too much into the whole matter, let nature take its course. guess i'm leaving it in the hands of fate for now, who noes wat the future holds? hope & pray everything will turn out fine, maybe not as i wish but an eventful learning experience.

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh."

i'm at work now, it's so boring. wild thots hv crossed my mind since morning and they hv remained, leaving many question marks (???) all ard me. i tink i hv to admit tt i'm sorta living in self-denial. i'm a doll carved out by societal needs, character moulded by surroundings, all in all, i'm superficial.

chatted on the phone till dam late laz nite, 0330h, nonono, not with him (how i wish it was him even though silence would most probably fill the spaces b/w us), with shawn instead. it left me tinking if both of us were to carry on lyk tis, would anything happen? not tt i'm hoping sth would happen, but can a girl & a guy sharing such a close relationship remain as only gd frens? izzit possible? at any one time, either party would tend to fall for the other, somehow. the thing now is tt, would their timings coincide? would they fall for each other at the same time? or would it be one after the other? would they then keep their feelings all to themselves? or would they make known? for them to fall for each other simultaneously would be wat u would call fate. destiny has brought them thus far. i may be able to find general answers to the questions i post, but i wanna seek specific ones. in other words, i feel lyk asking him, juz out of curiousity, but i'm afraid of arousing his feelings. i dun wish for me to disturb tis equilibrium we're in, as in we're so gd frens, i dun wan anything to spoil tis frenship. i noe tt he would be able to handle my questions maturely but i also noe tt it would definitely arouse feelings if none were there in the first place.

dam! tis is wat happens when i get too bored with nutin beta to do. hu si luan xiang! seriously, do u all tink true & pure frenship can reign b/w opposite sexes? thoz with totally no strings attached? initially i thot it was possible, but now i'm slowly beginning to doubt its existence. frens u may be, but real frens?

true frenship, i've only found one so far, obviously with a girl, with my babe. meeting her for dinner soon, excited! we haven met in a mth or more, i miz her soo dam much! of cos, she misses me too. got lotsa catching up to do later, most prob i'll tell her tis. not tt she can gimme advice or anything (cos moz of the time she comes to me for advice, hardly the other way round) but i noe tt at least she's willing to listen. ah, i suddenly feel so good at the thot of her, maybe aft meeting her i'll feel much beta. oh yes, we'll definitely be talking abt him (the proper one tis time), maybe i'll be happy, maybe i'll be sad, or maybe i'll end up all confused abt how i reali feel. cos rite now, i dunno how i feel. surprising? shouldn't be rite? yest b4 the movie started, i told wx maybe i shuld give him up. i see no pt, not unless sth turntables, change my destiny.

gosh! why is there a sudden gush of feelings? why did i pour everything out? cos i feel lyk it? i seriously tink i'm facing a major problem: Post-Examination Syndrome. if there is no such ailment, then let it begin with me.

"If i told u i like u, would u say the same? baby, i wish i could be with u, but rite now, everything seems to change."

yoyoyoz! wazzup ceiling? weather's fine ya. finally end of examz! a huge relief, BUT (as usual, there's always the buts) there's PW! can somebody screw it? written report's due next mon. wed onwards..PIA! hahaz wat hv i to worry rite? i hv the ever-so-fabulous yong teck & kar seng - more commonly known as the drivers of the group, or shuld i say labourers? oopz! sounds kinda bad yea? it's a fact! face it! heelloo, wakie wakie, tis is life! ppl lyk me, work smart, not hard. i can contribute dozens of ideas but it's always them who sees thru it. hehz i participate in a diff way, my responsibility is calling for meeting, getting them back on track whenever soccer becomes the 'third party', and last but not least, kaopeh-ing abt yuming! save me! then there's oral presentation, me in charge too. u see, it'd be fantastic. reason: i'm so vocal, don't u tink?

wat can i say abt today? f math.. i tink i can pass! yay! is tt gd news or wat? in all honesty and fairness, the paper was not difficult. if anything screws up, the fault lies with us. anyway results will be out on next mon, yea, so all the best! wat's done is done, cannot be undone. gosh! wat a cliché.

watched UnderWorld though i wasn't exactly in the mood for one. lykiens(werewolves) & vampires! the show was not too bad, storyline and plot quite normal, predictable at least to me, however the effects were wonderful. definitely won't say it's the best i've watched so far. can make do. following tt, had the long awaited sakae sushi buffet! still feeling full. i tink i ate less than the last time. proud to say, i've tried all the side dishes. tink the waitress tot we were mad when we showed her the menu and ordered one of each item. *yumz* the cheese cakes were N-Y-C-E! can't tink of any other adjective. cheesy maybe? corny siaz. the onli sad thing was tt they went home so early. sad case. i was so darn bored. still felt lyk walking ard. saw many other vj claz outings. bet they stayed out late, whereas me? board the 6pm 36 home. sigh. i beta start looking for ppl who will stay out late with me. i dun mean past midnite, but ya, i'm sure u get the msg i'm putting across. ooh nonis was in orchard too! hahaz who cares? juz felt lyk noting his presence. saw stacey too, she's skinny ya. and i tink she looks beta in sch U when she ties her hair. hahaz. u noe the reaction when we saw her was, "where's pang hao?" wazzup siaz. overall, the day was okay. maybe i'm juz too much a late-stay-out person.

i'm so B-O-R-E-D!! all the gush of studying the previous weeks has left me 'high & dry'. feeling of emptiness now w/o spending my time wisely. there's always tutorials to be done rite? hahaz. NO WAY hosea! i'm kiddin'! i'm no book eater ya. somebody suggest sth. thank goodness i'll be working tmr. need the cash although there's nutin i feel lyk splurging on at the moment. onli thing i can tink of is food. hahaz moz prob be going for the mid-range restaurant food ie. NYDC, swensens, so-on-so-forth.

"The more you love, the more you can love, and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love."

f math tmr!! i need all the luck i can find, maybe i shuld consider digging or sucking rite? arghz. initially i tot i could fare beta than a pass, but now, aft attempting thoz demoralising papers, i shall seek only a pass. totally a wet blanket rite? not the usual ambitious me. i realised, w/o tis pass, it's bye bye to nepal for me. so i freaking hell need to pass! desperate! maybe tt was a little exaggerated, but it's not all abt nepal.

okok, change tone, positive tinking now. "i can do it! i will make it! i will conquer!" as the old chinese proverb says, 'there's always a mountain higher than another.' there'll be no end to the knowledge we can absorb, so as long as we continue overcoming the obstacles, clear the hurdles, we'll learn.

with all said and done, wish me luckz k?! good luckz to all too!

All Or Nothing - Athena Cage (Save The Last Dance OST)

Here's the chance of life
Get ready, get set, fly, high
Above the fear of your mind
Go for it, It's hit or miss
Too late for you to quit
You gotta show them how bad you really want this

Live your dreams
It's not as hard as it may seem
You gotta work to get the cream
On your hopes you will see
From your fears, you have to win yourself
It's all or nothing
Give your everything

All what you believe
You got to bring the heat
Set the pace, competition take the lead
This is it, all eyes on you
So stay on point and pray
That you deserve what's long overdue

I'm still recovering
From the heartbreak of another kind
I'm still drying my tears
Getting over my own fears
Live my life, so I wanna make sure it's tight
That I'm strong enough to give it my all

Oh, oh, oh, live your dreams

Impossible - Christina Aguilera feat. Alicia Keys

It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over

Impossible baby
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

song reflects almost wat i'm feeling, guess it applies to many of u out there. hang on!

busy day today huh. it's play, play, play & some work? hahaz to start things off, it was math, shall we not go into tt subject? doesn't reali spur me on u noe. paper rumoured to be for f math students to pass, so should i be consoled? nah, muz reach for the stars ya. played pool, been so long, lost touch alredi, super rusty. won $4 MJ! yea~! sorry pang. hehz not exactly sincere huh. not too bad, at least there was one limit game. luck was much beta today as compared to days b4, DUH! oh manz i tink i'm getting high! been slacking, don't reali feel guilty, why why why? i feel guilty not feeling guilty, geddit? another reason why i'm not exactly bothered by the dumb promo paper is becos he msged juz b4 i was abt to sleep laz nite to wish gd luckz. arghz i decided to look on the brite side tis time, shall not be bothered abt being led on. i'm juz allowing myself to carry on living in my hand made fantasy world, self-constructed, self-designed, self-... yes yes, u get the idea.

so there's f math left, partially looking forward, partially half-hearted. wondering how i'll be able to deal. i can do it! oopz! did tt sound convincing at all? well at least it convinced me. hahaz i'm starting to crap again. can't help it.

yupz as u all can see, i've attempted to modify the appearance of my blog. honestly, i'm bad at the html stuff, can't really make out wat's in the script. did my best already, w/o any help. quite proud of my work. i shall seek help soon. in the mean time, bear with me!

"Love like you have never been hurt before."

oh why the hell am i blogging again? i tink i reali hv nutin beta to do. math is making me sick. since i'm here once more, i shall tok abt my "wonderful" encounter juz now. made my heart skip a beat. was half way thru laz yr's paper when i decided i needed a break and switched on the monitor screen. was online the whole time, only with a Busy status. to my surprise, he msged me on msn. hahaz tt's nutin new. the thing is tt he was rather concerned cos my nick was "sPLitting heAdaChe! *O-U-C-H*". so he asked if i was ok. isn't he such a sugar honey sweetie baby? as usual, tis kinda moments make u happy only for awhile, aft tt, thots flood ur mind. how i wish he said tt to me if i meant something to him, if not, i rather we maintain our current status. don't wanna hv the feeling of being led on, don't wanna fall into a pit hole though prominent but i refuse to acknowldege. thou shall not be so silly as to read off the wrong signals. thou shall stay calm.. although the headache ain't flown away, recurrent ya, and math is exhibiting its quicksand effect on me, sucking every bit of me in slowly.

What's the best way to revise?

Ensure you have plenty of past exam papers. Tutorial sheets and so on are also useful aids to revision.
Draw diagrams or pictures to represent the facts you want to learn. You'll find they stick in your mind better than pages and pages of notes.
Use a Mind Map. Write a topic title in a box in the middle of a page, and add branches which structure the details of your revision. These tend to represent the way the brain deals with information, and is easier to remember because its very visual.
Try using Mnemonics. This is a way of remembering information by using abbreviations, words or phrases. They can be as personal as you like (you're more likely to remember them that way), and composing them can be great fun!
Revise with others, discussing a topic. Its probably best to avoid testing each other though, as this can be a demoralising experience.
Reward yourself! Set yourself a target, and the promise of a reward when you reach the target, like a bag of jelly babies, the pub for last orders, or even watching Brookside.
Remember to make your revision time as active and enjoyable as possible, just so long as what you are doing is constructive.

my own conjecture: have Plenty of REST! u need it, trust me.

Seek Ye First

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added unto you,
Allelu, alleluia.

Man shall not live by bread alone,
But by every word
That proceeds from the mouth of God,
Allelu, alleluia.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you.
Seek, and ye shall find.
Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you.
Allelu, alleluia.

my all time fav song. the head terrorist is back! its incessant attacks are making me nausea, and the "proliferation" seems to get worse. maybe i shuld reali consider popping 2 panadols b4 i go to bed tonite, which i hope will be early although i've lotsa math to catch up on. making really silly, careless mistakes and overlooking impt stuff. so wat if u're an s3 student? u hv the same brain as others which need be all tt analytical rite? Dam.. saw jian wei (from s4) today, and as usual he'll get all surprised abt me being in the same claz as ppl he'd nv tink of like keith & JeM. once and again, he'll pop his fav statement, "tot u're in s1?" since the beginning of the yr till now it's been the same story all over again. nvm dun blame him. wow! i found a reali cool website for midis on christian songs. shall start converting them to mmfs then d/l into my ever-so-nice and tones ever-so-clear phone, my dear S300. hahaz oopz! now wat was tt for? tink i'm getting cranky aft doing math.

2 to go!! took 40 winks, feeling so much more refreshed now, the irritating splitting headache from laz nite has finally bade farewell. *sigh of relief* yupz so i did my chem paper with a pressing feeling the right side of my head, juz had to bear with it for tt 3h. oh well, the paper, if u reali need to noe, sect. C was the most difficult, left almost half the Qs empty, in other words, 25 marks. quite a handful rite? it's over, it's okay, once again, numbness overcomes me. all math papers left, can't wait to get over and done with it. persevering! somehow lack confidence in math tis time, had a beta grasp of the sciences. however, the ball is round, u nv noe wat can happen. maybe i'll work some miracles, maybe..

"Life is a school of probability."

SLEEP DEPRIVED!! i badly need some sleep. tried taking a nap aft chi paper when i came home but juz couldn't calm my senses to drift away. ended up eating ice cream on bread hehz. choc ice cream, not healthy ya. oh wat the hell, it's either food or sleep. not both rite? that'll be the ultimate piggy! let's tok abt phy, eeyer, why did i even remind myself? "Paper, Go Away! Get outta my mind." figure of speech actually, i'm long over it. to correct tt, was i ever dwelling on it? nah, not at all. wonder why too, seems tis whole examz i've become feelingless, doing well or badly doesn't make much impact anymore. hv i made a breakthru? or is tis juz an opening to a whole new life? or maybe it's sign of decline? oh well, not bothered. moving on to chinese, i'm so amazed at myself. managed to complete writing 1.5 pages of compo in abt 40min. the first hour was used for writing only the first page. used up a huge amt of liquid paper, even the paper smells, hopefully the marker doesn't faint! hahaz. generally could cope with the paper, juz in delusion of the result. beta go now to go thru chem once more although my head is spinning. i'll pull thru! oh btw, met cindy low tis morn and she was going on and on abt how many ppl in the hall not finishing their application Q aft i told her abt my plight as well. she makes a real good mother ya, naggy one in fact! pray for me & i'll pray for u too. gOOd LucKz!

End of the Road - Boy II Men

Girl, you know we belong together.
I don't have no time for you to be playin' with my heart like this.
You'll be mine forever, babe, you just see.

We belong together
And you know that I'm right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?
You said we'd be forever
Said it'd never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say goodbye?

Well, I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
Girl, each time I try, I just break down and cry
Pain in my head, oh, I'd rather be dead
Spinnin' around and around

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go, it's unnatural
You belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go, it's unnatural
You belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before
It's only your first time
Maybe I'll forgive you
Maybe you'll try
We should be happy together
Forever, you and I

Could you love me again like you loved me before?
This time, I want you to love me much more
This time, instead, just come to my bed
And, baby, just don't let me down

Girl, I'm here for you.
All those times at night when you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fellow
Baby, I knew about it.
I just didn't care.
You just don't understand how much I love you, do you?
I'm here for you.
I'm not out to go out there and cheat all night just like you did, baby.
But that's all right, huh, I love you anyway.
And I'm still gonna be here for you 'til my dyin' day, baby.
Right now, I'm just in so much pain, baby
Cause you just won't come back to me, will you?
Just come back to me.
Yes, baby, my heart is lonely.
My heart hurts, baby, yes, I feel pain, too.
Baby, please...

been a real long day, won't say tiring though. fell asleep laz nite when i planned for lights out at 2am. was reading chem, wad ya expect? hahaz i won't say any of the subjects i'm taking now is boring, juz tt they can be reali sleep inducive ya. dozed off at noon while going thru phy and waiting for my bro to return from school to hv lunch, tink sleepy-ness has got to me, dun u tink? hmmz at least i managed to persevere to finish the laz yr's phy promo so here i am now! honestly i tink the paper was fine juz tt i still failed. hahaz oh well, it's juz a feut between me & physics, i can't help it u noe. getting a little paranoid now, it seems tt i haven committed all the formulas, definitions & explanations to memory. if i reali hv to, then tonite shall be the full throttle. can only wish for the best now, hopefully my efforts pay off cos i started phy the earliest, even did proper notes. when u're not physically inclined, u juz gotta work so dam hard.

positive thots now, "i noe i can do it! and i will make it! the sky's limit, so vj's 4th storey cannot stop me!"

oopz! the laz sentence was on purpose but yea, i mean wat i say. work hard, play hard, sleep hard. i'm so sleep deprived now tt i'm starting to crap. who cares? it is free expression for me here, i say wat i will, it isn't up for u to comment, juz read and shut ur trap! hehz. arghhz i can't help it! it's getting to me again - paranoia.

he called yest aft quite awhile, so izzit then true when wx wrote tt when u're abt to give up hope, things tend to change and take a turn for the beta? even then, would i dare say the situation has improved? time does strain relationships and obviously at tis pt of time, it is not in my favour. with so many events, major ones mind u, going on and coming up, i can only hope to play time ard on my finger, twirl it, twist it till i succeed. wat the hell am i toking?! am i too flustered? save me! hmmz tt seems to be my fav phrase now. it works rather well at times though. uh, no digression allowed, back on track. as i was saying, can somebody tell him how i feel? or does he already noe? can he gomme an indication? so i can get on with my life. hate the feeling of being neither here nor there, the two extremes of 'hi, how's the moisture up there?' and 'hell, it's hot down here.'

tink i hv expressed enuff creativity for today, time to hit the books (sorry, in JCs, only notes) once again, the most dreaded chore but yet do i hv a god-damn choice? i wish i had, i noe u all wish u had, maybe a few exceptions.

"The great question, which of cos, i have not been able to answer, 'What does a woman want?'"

had GP paper today, (are u expecting me to cry out loud abt how horrible the paper was or go on and on abt how i could not manage it?) u're wrong! somehow the moment mr lee took my script away while i was doing the word count for summary, i was feelingless. have i turned to stone? went into the examination grounds (wow! how honourable it sounds, it was only v33) with a hope & desire of proper time management as well as mental preparation tt if i were to give up any Q, it would hv to be application despite ms low's incessant nagging. true enuff, i only wrote 1 pt, hopefully i can get 1 pathetic mark? i muz admit the passages were rather tough whereas there was a wide range of Qs tt could be attempted for essay. did the one on ageing (since i read the notes juz laz nite) and i'm expecting more from it. not exactly too optimistic abt the entire paper tis time round, or it could be also i wanna do better than before, at the same time surpass myself and transcend my own limitations. it was reali in a wink of the eye tt 3h passed so quickly - 1 paper down, 5 to go - i reali wish time was elastic and to be able to stretch it would be to the good of everyone. well, there's no pt in looking back now, only look forward to attempt the rest of the papers at my best (though i may say my best, but most of the times u noe tt it wasn't ur best, or ur "best" juz ain't enuff).

on a lighter note, i juz returned from a 2.5h session of chi tuition. did paper 1, in other words wrote another compo, today is a day tt has squeezed my inspirational juice dry. managed to complete it early as i was crapping a reali touching story if appropriate words were used. so my tutor marked it on the spot and burst out laffing when she was going thru the compo with me. to make things worse, it wasn't any other ordinary laughter, she even teared can u believe it? she was totally amused at the words i used. wat can i say? it's been 2mths since i laz wrote a chi composition and i'm still proud of wat i would call 'a piece of art'. maybe aft tmr, (having tuition in the morn) i'd be all geared up to bring the chi paper down. YA RITE! i wish, fat hope! hahahaz.

been raining all day, finally stopped. the weather's so fine and sleep inducive. i slept when i came home. was supposed to only take a short nap but i overslept! hmmz seems lyk i sleep more during the actual examz period, is tt supposedly good or bad? doesn't matter reali, would be staying up till late tonite. time for dinner, my stomach is growling! hehz actuali it's not, i juz felt lyk adding a few more descriptive words in here.

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

Perfect - Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me, Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it, I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright, And you can't change me

Cuz we lost it all, Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think, About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away, And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it, I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight, And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard, Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

sth's majorly wrong with me, can't seem to get myself settled to concentrate on studying. i'm not perfect! here's 2-sides to my story: on the one hand, i'm looking forward to promos to end all the misery & late nights; on the other hand, i dun wan promos to be here so soon, if only i could steal more time to extend my study periods. then again, who would ever say, "i'm totally prepared for tis examination, bring it on!" no matter how much time u're given, it'll nv be enuff, to such is human nature, their satisfaction is like a bottomless pit. aunties coming over for dinner tonite, so looks like i won't be able to hv as much peace & quiet time for me to do some GP materials reading, juz hope to make the best out of it.

TOP TIPS to.. (distinctions?!)
Examiners look for:
RELEVANCE TO THE QUESTION AS POSED;
QUALITY AND SHAPE OF ARGUMENT;
QUALITY OF INFORMATION;
QUALITY OF LANGUAGE (including fluency of writing, stylistic flair and accuracy of punctuation, grammar, syntax and spelling).

Before you turn over the paper take three deep breaths.
Read the paper through in its entirety.
Three more deep breaths.
Start writing.

Take some time at the beginning to review all the questions and to plan your answers as a whole. Don't rush into a question just because it's on "your" author only to find halfway through that you don't really understand the second half of the question... Make sure you are using your knowledge in response to the most appropriate questions. Take some time at the end of the examination to read through your work and correct it.

On the day of the exam, arrive in good time. When you start, find a question you can do well and do it straight away, even if it is not the first question on the paper - this will build your confidence. Keep a careful eye on the time and keep on schedule to answer every question you need to - if you find a question you struggle to do, leave it and return to it later.

Don't guess; say something else instead. Don't bluff: say what you know - with confidence - can be said.

Subject the detailed wording of the question to close examination and be prepared to make the discussion of its wording part of your answer. Draw attention to ambiguities or multiple meanings in the question. Don't just treat the question as a cue to your delivering up prepared material vaguely related to the topic.

If you think that the question can be answered in a number of ways, demonstrate how that is possible. If you think that the question is ultimately unanswerable, show what considerations lead you to that conclusion. It is valuable to be able to show the limits of possible knowledge.

It's your Love - Gil

Dancing in the dark, middle of the night
Taking your heart, holding it tight
Emotional touch, oh, touching my skin
Asking you to do what you've been doing all over again

it's a beautiful thing don't think I can keep it all in
I've just gotta let you know, what it is that won't let me go

It's your love, just does something to me
Send a shock right through me, can't get enough
So if you wonder about the spell I'm under, it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
All of that happened, by taking your hand
Who I am now is who I've wanted to be
Now that we together stronger than ever happy and free

Oh, it's a beatiful thing, don't think I can keep it all in
And if you me ask why I'll change all I gotta do is say your sweet name

here i am once again with my daily dosage of venting frustrations, speaking my mind, letting my heart rule over me during tis period of the day. been a long day with me slacking almost the whole time. the morning was disgusting to start off with, a discipline mistress from kc sec who thoroughly checked on all award recipents' attire & appearance. dam it! she's a total downright bitch. shall not elaborate, it'll only make my blood boil. got my colours nevertheless, 1st award as they call it. maybe i was "ravishing", but the refreshments they offered tasted real yummy. however, my feet still hurt very much. there's a sore feeling tt won't go away so quickly. went to a different place to do work again, kallang mrt macs, not too bad, not many distractions. attempted the 2000 chem paper, chao tough! dunno how tt batch survived. the ans are thoz tt reali hv to tink hard and apply concepts, certainly not str8forward. teachers reali demand alot huh.

well, i dunno wat i'm feeling now. do i or do i not? i wish i knew the ans. he's quite wei feng lehz, won sportsboy of the yr, not sure if it is for his zone or sch. am i attracted to him superficially or are the feelings real? my junior sorta discouraged me ever since he left her hanging high & dry, sth lyk getting close for a period of time then stop keeping in contact kinda thing. maybe it's already happening to me, juz tt i'm not aware, or i dint expect much from tis whole dumb thing from the start. he can be quite a jerk, smug, high & mighty, yet to meet his downfall. oh why am i even cursing ppl here? arghz. there're so many words i wish i could say, innermost feelings to speak of, heartfelt prayers to be answered. izzit innate in human nature tt u tend to take things u hv for granted? instead chase hard aft thoz tt mite not necessarily appreciate u? eventually, u'll end up with a wounded heart tt sometimes time may not even heal? does fate reali play a part in destiny? or is life juz another decree? feelings stir up so easliy. tis is not onli abt me but the ppl ard me esp my close fren who juz broke off with her bf over her inferiority? who's to say who's right/wrong?

how nice it would be if we were free from emotions, but then again, are u sure u would enjoy leading the kind of life creatures do? void of all devotions? nutin in tis world can be or is perfect, the only way would be to see it right. as they say, "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." it is all up to u to determine wat u deem fit. even earth is not a perfect sphere therefore nutin can be flawless. the mystery of it all would to be turn tables and these flaws become strengths. everything is possible if onli u're willing to give it a try. manz! there i went again, on and on, letting it all flow out, laying it in front of me, deciding on the essence of it all.

indeed, being loved is much better than loving someone. although tis hypothesis has yet to be proven and there can be no concrete proof, it is significant. despite understanding and experiencing wat it means, i'm commiting the same grave mistake again. why can't i ever learn? my only rebuttal is, "would i really then be happy?" can love reali be cultivated? how i hope & pray u knew how i feel..

If you only knew - Gil feat. the Moffatts

I'd give you everything, anything
If you would be mine
I'd give the stars above and all my love

How can you be so blind
I'm going out of my mind
All the time, for you
Yes, it's true

If you only knew
That i'm crazy for you
Then you'll understand
If I only knew
What you're going through
Then i'll understand

Now i know that i have no chance
To make you mine
But if i own the world
Would you be my girl?

wazzup manz? haha kinda high today, started aft we (jm & myself) got restless at starbucks siglap, went a bit hysterical, couldn't stop laffing. woah woah woah~! guess who we saw? JM! rL's jiamin. some time in the afternoon, there were 2 dunman high girls knocking on the toilet door to check if anyone was inside. was observing them when it struck me tt one of them was tan, the orangey tan as described by rL, hairstyle close to the glimpse i got while on the bus, so i blurted, "dun tell me tt's jiamin?" guess it was rather loud cos the two them felt uneasy. finally when she went into the washroom, jiemin asked her fren, b4 she could complete her question, her fren said, "yes, she's jiamin." hahaz dint noe my instincts so accurate. ZUN! cool huh. oh ate kiiliney's kaya toast & the famous mee pok at jalan tua kong coffee shop for lunch. also another reason why i enjoyed my time studying there. hehz. b4 we left, we gave marcus & shawn a crash course on the loci of complex no. amazing how they can not attend lectures yet not read the notes till today. another thing tt amused me was a statement made by marcus. here goes the exchange of ideas b/w shawn & marc, "u started on vectors already? i haven even touched it." "yea i'm doing it now and i regret starting!" see wat i mean? the norm would be to regret not touching the chapter, however his is the reverse. the mindsets of certain ppl are totally unpredictable. so the day was spent with 7.5h (again!) there.

went for the exam service juz now, was fantastic. at least thoz 2h i felt totally at ease with myself, dint worry a single bit abt doing work. guess it's in church where i can find solace, find the peace deep within. reali feel calm & relaxed, it's all abt placing all ur troubles, worries & burdens into the Lord's hands, hv faith and he'll take care of the rest. one thing abt it tt i enjoyed was the youth praise & worship session, the youth council organised it and there were 2 lead singers "luring" all of us into the celebrations, ok i'm sorry i dunno how else to phrase it into words. anyway tt's not the main pt, thing is tt one of the singers is my fren. hahaz dint noe he could sing so well. hmmz shuld i say? well, he's not juz any other fren, used to be more than juz frens but it's reali history. yeap, happened too long ago. i recall vaguely tt he used to sing on the phone, maybe tt was where he started. the onli thing i admire abt him now is his passion, drive & love for doing church work. he's juz so involved. he's changed. hehe could it be becos i was so dam mean to him? arghz looking back, i did many silly things and made mistakes which i will regret for life. maybe i'll slowly reveal them all, or maybe u'll neva noe. tink tt's the more probable case. of cos, there're ppl ard who noe abt it. hahaz. it's all in the past, let bygones be bygones. no pt dwelling on it, it can't change the situation. agree? a-g-r-e-e-d.

ahh i dunno why i'm getting irritated with him, esp when he acts childish. am i reading too much into tis newly developed frenship or is he giving me misleading signals? or do i already noe the truth yet hope i could reverse the situation? maybe juz as i thot, it was san fen zhong re du - infatuation in other words. izzit coming to an end? or izzit the beginning of sth new? how i wish i could see the lite, i wish i knew. actuali i'm not even sure how i feel, in a major state of confusion juz tt i refuse to tink abt it. seriously, i've diverted and channeled all my attention and energy onto studies, for tis crucial period. guess tt's another strong pt. now it dawns on me tt i reali take things in grasp for granted. i could hv led a much-less-troubled-less-misery-less-confusion life if i learnt how not to bother so much abt the opinion of others', not be so superficial instead go with how i feel. sometimesi feel i'm living a carved out ideal life. as carefree as i may be, there're always unconspicious troubles. maybe if i learn to trust more in myself i'd be happier?

collecting colours tmr, wish me luckz! my mum's shoes are so tight. =O

A World Without You - Emma Bunton

I know that you can hear the rhythm of the rain
Although we're miles apart I know you feel my pain
I try to be so strong, I try to carry on
But since you left the sun don't seem to shine

My tears are falling on the words you wrote to me
I wish that somehow they could take me where I wanna be
It seems so long ago, you held me when I cried
For now I just pretend you're by my side

Everything that I touch turns to blue
When I'm living in a world without you
I'm going crazy baby, I am missing you
Can't imagine all I go through
When I'm living in a world without you
I'm not alone I know that you can feel it too

I try to watch a movie but you're all that I can see
In my dreams I know I always see you constantly
But then a dream comes to an end and I'm alone
And I can't seem to let this feeling go

i'm blogging again! cos i missed out a very impt yet interesting part! aft fish&co we proceeded to nydc at wheelock place after much "inertia" to know tt it was full-house. time check then, 2030h on a wed nite. was surprised. anyway we had our deserts at big O, sister branch of nydc, directly opposite. then, there was tis chio waitress tt attended to us. tink the guys were all drooling. she was friendly, asked us abt vj and whether we knew so-and-so. when we were done savouring the cake, mudpie & waffle, we called for the bill. she attended to us once again, tis time stood by the table talking to me while the guys were checking it since it was so-called pH's treat. thx! she asked if i knew janissa, and i was like, "ya." suddenly she blurted, "u look like her! the braces, the eyes, eyebrows etc." *pengz* not the first time, kinda used to it already. she also mentioned crystal. only at tt moment i realised she was pamela's sis - berinda. her familiarity struck me, used to see her in neoprints tt pam wuld take with her and show us. finally i get to meet her, not thru' pam though. hahaz amazing! tis world is reali only all tt big. i muz say both sisters are equally sweet, pretty & demure. ah yes! we saw both of ph's elder sisters, chio also but i tink tt the older one is prettier. very subjective reali. i realized tt it was their eyes, thoz big, round, crystal clear, sparkling eyes which made them attractive. like they say: 'the eyes are windows to the soul'.

tis few days have been a dairy-rich diet as well as fat-rich. wat would u say abt ice-cream & cakes? not juz the normal type but cheese cakes? sounds gd doesn't it? reali sinful too. tried the seafood platter at fish&co yest, also in celebration of JeM's bdae. played pool aft so long at monster, on her treat. thx! oh back to the seafood platter, it was nutin but all *yumz*! basically becos everything there is cooked with butter, therefore the fragrance & taste. also one of the few times i actualli touched the mussell. on second thots, it tasted like chicken. hahaz. i was studying & doing work the whole day, onli started to relax during dinner and thereafter. only played 2 games of pool. hehe well, i noe tt i will regret if i dint do anything productive, so why not do 2-in-1 rite? felt quite bad cos it was jm's bdae but there i was studying. maybe a consolation would be: at least i accompanied her all the way, beta than not appearing rite? ok tis is not exactly a personal attack on thoz who dint turn up, guess jm will understand - promos are nearing - can always hv another fun time out once the papers fly by. back to the airport todae, stayed there for 7.5h, the only breathers were lunch and toilet breaks. slept on the bus home too. for once i did nutin on the bus journey. ooh shawn from 03s11 (marcus's clazmate & jm's math buddy) was there too. tink he looks gd. surprised to hear he's from anglican high, certainly missing the chinese-sch look. then he drank coffee vodka, turned all red, like rL - lobster, however i muz say he looked cute. hahaz. juz a passing remark, dun read too much into it. guess wat? xiao micheal appeared out of nowhere too! how interesting rite. when we saw one of the girls in his study grp, i pre-warned JeM abt his appearance and true enuff, he came. analogy: he's like a rusting & corroding piece of metal which is trying very hard to retain his magnetic attraction so tt he can cling onto the magnet - jiemin. agreed? best of all, he was reading the bible in bk, for wat siaz? wat's he trying to prove? totally turned off by tt sight, not tt i was initially turned on, NO! u noe wat i mean. hmmz wonder wat's the plan for tmr? izzit back to the airport or elsewhere? i dun mind anywhere cos i'm not done with past yr papers yet. onli thing i muz remember: exam service at 8pm in the evening. tis one is fei qu bu ke, hope it's as nice as last yr's.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."