feast day carnival in church today. dint reali get to enjoy the main bulk of it. luckily managed to rush down in time to at least sample the food and watch priests get dunked. cooL~!

saw leonard. specially went over to him to say hi. tink i'm so nice. hahaz. still dint get his no. damn! kinda miz the sweet things tt he did. he was a nice bf but silly girl like me dint noe how to appreciate.

mav, blame it on who? darren au. hahahaz.

arrggghhhh. tis may sound lyk HIM but me too wanna turn back time. can't believe i felt jealous when i saw him hug bernadette. maybe cos i juz dun lyk her. hehz. he's so involved in church. in altar servers and YC. and he has a terrific voice. dint noe tt till the exam service.

too bad he's attached. *bleahz* i muz say i'm not fated with anyone from church and by the name of kenneth. so ken C. is the ultimate taboo. so sadz.

i tink i'm not fit to be sista stagnant anymore. there is an influx of guys all the time. it's like pringles, "once u pop, u can't stop!" oopz! sorie it's lame but it's true.

if i dint start liking anyone then none of tis will begin. oh wellz, wat can i say? life goes on.

i'm still in the x'mas mood. feeling so jolly-wolly. (?!!)

"Perfection, in a Christian sense, means becoming mature enough to give ourselves to others."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

had a lovely x'mas! church was gd as usual.

arghz. dint get to hug ken C. tis yr. dunno why but it was rather awkward. aft mass was over, he suddenly stopped in his tracks aft crossing the road and stuck out his hand, "Merry X'mas!" i was too shocked i juz shook it and smiled.

anyway drinks were at my hse. dint drink very much though. had baileys. mum's fren brought it over. was totally delighted. ken was delighted too. cos tt's abt the only thing he drinks.

overall it was a merry merry christmas for me. was really happy. to tink of it, i dint stop to tink abt him at all. not even when my couz was making fun and teasing me in front of the rest abt liking a younger guy.

now, i'm left wondering who is whose sub?

btw he msged me on frenster cos of one bulletin i posted. dunno wat to feel. it onli gives me a glimmer of hope tt maybe we could still be frens. *cross my fingers*

"Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices. O night divine, O night, when Christ was born."

i found Neo <- him & her -> Trinity. so childish! still kinda upset me a little though. it's the suan suan feeling.

heck it!

it's x'mas eve! where's all the party babes? ladies & gentlemen, strip down to party wear! get ready to kick some asses! woohoo~!

gonna "fetch" py from jackie's to my hse tmr. in other words, i'll hv to see him. it's a half-hearted thing. then at midnite, i'll be with the other heartless kenneth.

arghz. 2 kenneths a day is enuff to gimme a blood rush and make my heart race and stop.

i muz try to get into the x'mas mood. not exactly influenced yet. maybe tmr when i start cooking & baking. *yumz*

"Gloria, Gloria, in excelsis deo!"

supposed to watch LOTR yest but obviously there were no tix available. ended up mj-ing.

finally got to meet kevin lau. nutin much to comment. seems a nice person. lucky jem!

went in JB today. saw the same denim skirt i bot from pepperplus there. juz tt it was a diferent brand. so ended up buying another skirt from the shop. still deciding whether to wear it for x'mas or CNY.

i had tis dream. i dreamt he told me he'll nv forget me but everything still has to end. weird. subconscious mind at work.

nutin much happening in my life these few days. life is peaceful & simple.

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations."

had california pizza kitchen yest, my bdae treat from shawn. good food but the price is steep. then met the 4e3 ppl for dinner. pizza hut. pizza overload! went lips cafe at ps for desert cos wingz wanted to eat ice cream. nydc is still the best!

mav blogged tt he did the right thing by "rejecting" me. py agreed. i feel so tired. tis whole issue has drained me thoroughly. my stand is: i can accept all tt he said but not the way he did it. so much for 'still frens' yet actions speak otherwise.

heck! wateva. i shall not bother abt wat others tink. so long as my conscience is clear, to hell with everything else.

ooh rain's heavy today. the sky's been at it since noon. weather's nice. a litttle cold.

met py for lunch. ate kfc after a super long time. sth is wrong with my eating habits these few days. tsk tsk.

as usual, wat can 2 girls do? eat, shop, talk cock. signed up for a 'That's Life' card. if i'm not wrong, jm has it too? the facial offer was simply irresistable. made an appt for x'mas eve morn. hehz!

she met him aft i left for church. honestly, felt like catching a glimpse of him. hahaz dun ask me why. juz the urge to. dint anyway. he obviously would not wanna see me la. nvm abt all tis.

HIGHLIGHT of the DAY: guess who? JARON! woohoo~!

consoled at least py tinks he's handsome too. summore say new target. but, on the looking like wu shi hong part, i certainly dun agree!

wah, i juz heard jess lee (couz fren) wans to meet up with me. interesting. she seems a nice person. maybe i'll get a beta frenship in turn of tis lost one? who noes rite?

actually i tink i'm rather apprehensive abt meeting new ppl. i guess i gotta learn to change. muz make more frens alredi. expand my social circle.

kayz i can't hold it back any longer. WTF?! he's crazy over her while i'm crazy over him. HMPH! she wrote another recent frenster testi abt his age and foto. and boom! there's no longer any age. the foto's changed immediately. craziness! but it's juz farnie how both are still singles according to their status in frenster. wahaha.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

perhaps tis shuld do all the talking.

I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
anyways
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
i juz wanted to sae tt
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
itz no point fer u to like mi
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
and stuff
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
cos i dun haf tt sort of feelings
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
as a freidn yes well maibe
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
but further than tt i reckon not
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
and besdies..
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
it, seems surpisirisdngly and stuff to u
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
tt wad im gonig to tell u may not seem ritez
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
prehaps itZ a tall stroy..but ehy..itz a true stroy
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
im actauully having a msian gf rtiez now as im sure jeacelyn has told u abt
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
yar
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
so i juz hope tt u cud juz forget everythig and d7un be botherwed abt it
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
itz kiinda no point rtiez
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
we shud juz remain as freidns
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
or at any point tt u may ahte mi
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
hate*
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
itz perfectly fine
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
aidios..tc
I Wanna turn back time!!!!! says:
merry chrsitmaz
raiNe: i.pRomiSe.u. ... as.a.Lover&a.fren.i'll.Luv.u.lyk.i.nv.Loved.agn. says:
ok.. yea.. we're frenz wat..
raiNe: i.pRomiSe.u. ... as.a.Lover&a.fren.i'll.Luv.u.lyk.i.nv.Loved.agn. says:
so u're not gonna tok to me anymore?

NO REPLY aft tt.

my only rxn: WTF?!

it came w/o warning. it was a total slap in my face for sth tt i hv yet to do. i dint say anything to him at all. i was still contemplating whether to say or not.

the whole matter got heated up in one nite, sorie shuld i say in thoz few minutes. he made such a big fuss abt it. i dint get a chance to air my views. i had no stand. i was simply robbed of everything.

NO PRIDE, NO DIGNITY. it seemed lyk i was at his mercy. why? i hv no idea. it's juz his character to dominate i suppose.

he wants the whole thing to blow over b4 we so-call continue talking agn. it's all so silly. tis is all crap!

it's juz too harsh on me, i guess. i mean, i feel tt i did no wrong, or maybe not wrong enuff to deserve such 'treatment'. upset over tis lost frenship. he makes a reali gd fren.

on the brite side, at least i got my ans? and i dint hv to confess to himself? now i can finally move on. the laz thing is to lyk another agn.

i need time. i need to heal.

my mind is conjested with the whole dialogue, or shuld i say a monologue? the words keep playing in my head.

i feel lyk a fool!

honestly, i miz his voice. haven heard it in awhile now.

i reali wish i could turn back time. let everything get back to its original state. let not all tis take place.

nvm. i'm a strong girl. i'll get myself together in time for x'mas. tt's all the time i'm giving myself to heal.

"Santa, all i ask is to get back tis lost frenship."

i'm a horrible state of shock rite now.

can't fully explain wat are my feelings rite now, juz now tt they ain't too gd.

shall go watch my Charmed to calm down.

lemme me regain my composure b4 i say it all.

*tears*laughters*sadness*joy

I Promise You (With Everything I Am) - Backstreet Boys

It's in the silences,
The words you never say
I see it in your eyes,
It always starts the same way
It seems like everyone we know is breaking up
Does anybody ever stay in love, anymore?

I promise you,
From the bottom of my heart
I will love you till death do us part
I promise you as a lover and a friend
I will love you like I never love again
With everything I am

Ooh I see you look at me,
When you think I'm not aware
You're searching for clues,
Of just how deep my feelings are.
How do you prove the sky is blue, the oceans wide?
All I know is what I feel,
When I look into your eyes

Oh there are no guarantees
That's what you always say to me
But late at night I feel the tremble in your touch
Oh what I'm trying to say to you,
I never said to anyone I promise

aaaaahhhhh all i wanna do is cry now but i will not, i cannot, i muz not! i dun mean literally cry. my tears nowadays are onli for protecting the eyes.

reason: maybe he's attached.

declaration: i GIVE up!

tis is one battle i gave up w/o any fite. to tink i wanted to try my luck with LOTR3.

to hell with everything now.

can onli blame myself. why did i fall so deep? shuld hv known when to stop.

nevertheless, life goes on. i'll still be the happy-go-lucky me. wear a fake smile, no one else will noe rite?

haiz. a verbal declaration of giving up is so different from doing it from within.

honestly, i can't totally give up. i guess i'll juz hafta live with it.

oppression. suppression. DEPRESSION.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

did i mention? my godma aka my eldest aunt seems to hv sth against me. the sight/thought of her now reali irks me. kao peh me in front of me! not even behind my back. could hear her complaining to another aunt.

say 'teng wo mei yong' in hokkien. why? juz becos i dint reply to their bdae wish sms to me. WTF?! c'mon lorz, if i dint care, i won't even bother to call my grandpa to see if he needed medical attention after she msged me to bring him to the doc.

and every single thing i say/do, she muz object or point out some flaw. GET A LIFE! sometimes i tink women need men to tame them, esp at old age.

or shuld i say tis? she's juz jealous of me becos my grandpa dotes on me so much.

anyway tt was juz a sudden surge of emotions. u can ignore it.

so, he's back. WHO CARES?

i'm trying to be as heartless as possible. trying to make myself give up.

tonite juz seems so weird. tt is the moz appropriate word alredi.

hardly talked to him. he's saying all the weird things too. he noes alredi. maybe wan me to say it myself la. how i noe?

yes yes, he can marry his m'sian fren. miz her lyk nuts! hahaz.

aiyahz, basically current mood is fucked up, for reason i hv no idea?

short-term goal: be happy.
long-term goal: remain happy.

"There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil."

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

new day, fresh smile.

sis is quite ill. eventually visited the hospital. the doctor was so "kayu"! useless. wasn't entirely sure, or rather as he tried to explain, her case is unique cos she is allergic to some drug.

one achievement: completed stats 2.1 tutorial, so-called. of cos there are Qs i dunno how to do.

hahaz and i finally bot a black strapless bra, a multiway they call, from marks & spencer. hapie. heck care the guys reading.

went changi village for dinner. how long haven been there sia. tink i ate quite a lot for now cos my intake has definitely reduced by quite a significant amt.

he's back tmr. seriously, no tension at all. maybe becos i choose to believe tt he will not remember and moz prob tt will be the case. also, tink he dint qualify, so can expect his mood to be one hell of a kind. not intending to 'approach' him either. dun wanna risk incurring his wrath.

on the other hand, i'm kinda anxious over wat his rxn wuld be. be it gd or bad, accept it i hv to.

jem was telling me to let him read my blog? hahaha are u kiddin' me? all the updates hv HIM since i dunno when. tink i can rename tis blog to "HIM infatuation".

then again, izzit reali an infatuation?

according to expert py (hahaz), after all her observations, she tinks i reali lyk him. actually i dun even noe. it's an on and off thing for me i guess. simply becos i cannot take setbacks. i fear rejection. so as long as i sense hope diminishing, i tend to give up tt easily.

lyk i told jem, she agreed too, i dun mind lyking the guy more than he lyks me although tt is not supposed to be the case for girls. BUT it's so dam hard to even find a guy and hv a mutual liking in the first place. not tt i'm hurried or wat la.

anyway call tis gd/bad news, i MIGHT be going on another short trip to bangkok. my aunt's going over for work and she wants my unc to go but afraid no one to accompany him. obviously i'm the best choice! hahaz. trust me! i can shop in the day wif him and at nite wif my aunt.

after all, i've been crowned 'Shopping Queen' & 'Bargaining Princess'. i'll put my name to goood use.

keeping my fingers crossed still..

well, back to the main issue, gd thing in the sense tt i get away from sg, juz lyk when i was in nepal, take a break from everything. at least i feel wanted when i'm back. hehz tt's besides the pt la. bad, u culd say no more time for frens, in particular him. not as if he has time for me.

arghz. tis is one thing i hate abt myself. i can be so accomodating only to thoz i deem fit. i can reali be so thoughtful to the extent i tink even my mum will be shocked.

guess i reali need to get a grip, get a hold on myself. wateva it is, we'll always be frenz! then it'll be time for me to exert self-control.

"Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams."

bdae celebration was fun. simple though. thanx to mav, py, clara, mel & shixuan for coming out.

watched love actually. woohoo~! fantastic show. so heartwarming. got lotsa qi shi from the show. inspired me a lot too but there doesn't mean anything juz yet.

as usual, sick on my bdae. thank gdness i broke the curse of visiting the docs. real taboo. feeling so much beta now. the onli gd thing is tt my tummy grew smaller! hahaz.

oh ya, no wishes from him la. NVM.

big surprise manz. my dearest py told him liaoz. can't believe it either. dam fast! initially said tell him when he gets back then i thot at least i can tink abt it and stop her if i dun feel rite. but now, hahaz there's nutin i can do alredi. it's ok. juz wait and see.

x'mas will still come eventually.

"Christmas is the time to tell the truth."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!

first and foremost, a HUGE thanx to all thoz who remembered and wished me! hahaz after all it's such a nice date rite? u can't deny tt fact.

i'm miss princess for today. heez! do as i say, or else. . . juz joking!

i'm finally s e v e n t e e n. 17!

pre-bdae seems a little screwed up although i did enjoy myself out with jm & wx. thanx guyz!

ate yaki no yuki. interesting place. half steamboat, half teppanyaki. as usual, i'd do the cooking. hahaz had my own creations k. mixed vegetables. shiok! chao mian (fried noodles) oso. made green tea ice cream. and we ended up playing with the pan, freezing water, oil, coke, ice lemon tee, barley. shuang lehz.

shop, shop, shop. retail therapy. i'm spending lyk nobody's bzness sia. tis is bad. so i bot the pants from gio and a skirt tt i'm wearing tmr from one of thoz carts in cine. best thing is jm bot exactly the same stuff as me juz tt it's in diff colors. cool!

the day was gd. could hv been beta. certain things i guess are not too convenient to be said here. nvm. thankful for the frenz tt i hv. maybe i juz can't expect too much of them.

oh yes. my mum worked so hard she dint get a cake. my sis forgot. hahaz so i happily, thick-skinned-ly called my mum to ask abt my cake. she kinda felt apologetic but still asked me to get my own if possible charge to her. farnie rite? so i went with my sis to parkway to choose my own cake. got a quite ex one. $22 for 1/2kg i tink. Strawberry Shortcake from fourleaves. not very surprising rite? i'm sure u all noe i'd get sth strawberry.

oh yes, my sis bot me a 3 scoop andersen's ice cream. how sweet of her. shared la but couldn't reali eat. appetite getting bad nowadays. take lunch for example, i dun tink i ate as much as i'd normally do. was immersed in the joy of cooking.

tis whole bdae "celebration" feels so mian qiang. dunno how to word how i feel, or rather i choose not to. *sigh* ok tis will be laz sigh till the following day cos i muz be happy. looking forward to the movie tmr. nutin special but i dun mind. the company matters too. laz 8h of being 16. i noe my birth time: 0709h

"We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth."

hmmmz sth seems wrong wif my comp, or rather the net. juz lyk how screwed my msn was yest. d/c abt 5 times or more. funnie thing was each time panda tried to msg me, it'd hang. nvm abt tt. it'll settle itself soon, i hope.

juz as my comp needs self-therapy, i need RETAIL THERAPY. i need healing. i need frenz, frenz & more frenz! i need to forget him. i need to move on. not exactly look for someone else but at least get a life.

dunno la. things are kinda screwed up. maybe it has always been, juz tt i dint sense it, or i dint wan to believe it. so i shuld be hapie now he has someone in mind (obviously not me la. DUH!) tt's besides the pt.

here goes the story laz nite. he dao me online. nvm. i not so petty. to tink abt it, could be msn fault la. msg him ard 10pm to ask if he was sleeping. wanted to juz call direct cos he was leaving the next morning to m'sia. ended up sms-ing for awhile. he stopped replying. i dint call. shall not let tis drag on. muz yi dao liang duan. then agn, i'm not very sure of wat i reali wan. haiz. fan si wo.

thankfully i dint brood over it. let it pass. concluded tt the entire fault lies with me. becos, to me, he blows hot & cold, if u'd know wat i mean. perhaps tis would do me gd.

anyway was rather cheery today. got to noe our OGs today. IZAK~! cool huh. the 2nd i, same as my erra during O1. onli arts fac guy, bryan is in. woohoo! he's cool, funky, funnie, lame etc. no doubt he's gonna be the king to queen shahida. even bryna said so. dunno why but at certain angles he looked abit lyk him. maybe it's juz me agn but there was a resemblence somehow. hahaz i hope there won't be any attraction. tis one at least i noe it's IMPOSSIBLE. i'm tinking too far oredi. excuse me.

met shawn for lunch today. ate at Nooch. nutin fantastic i wuld say. treat him. bdae prezzie juz liddat. then still bot him a slice of cake from prima deli cos he said he won't be hving any cake. not in his family tradition. weird. hahaz i usually hv more than one cake.

guess tt's abt it. the day was gd. thank gdness. enjoying life now w/o him. gotta learn to be strong. then onli to find out from py tt he wore the tie i got for him to his prom. MIXED up inside la. shall sleep. not tink.

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

arrggghhhh!!!!! in one of thoz fucked up moods again. btw, i haven started on the nepal journal yet.

juz came back from ocip meeting to hand in reports and tie up the loose ends. beginning to hate the ppl. from dislike -> hate. how bad can tis get?

my hair's kinda screwed up too. though i lyk the short fringe but the layering/thinning was super badly done. now i hv hair 1inch short.

i'm in a dilemma agn: on the verge of giving up yet on the verge of telling him. can someone help me? u noe, now he has frenster, maybe somebody shuld juz send him a msg and tell him for me. i dun mind him finding out but i dun feel lyk being the one to do so.

FEAR of REJECTION

my bdae is drawing near, however i don't feel the excitement anymore. there's no more spirit/life left. laz yr was SIX 16, maybe tis yr would be SAD 17. plus the fact tt i'm still coughing my lungs out everyday doesn't help matters. why can it nv be SPLENDID?

he's going for jnr all stars, leaving tmr morning. hv tis feeling he probably forgot abt my bdae. actually it kinda matters but i can't do anything.

he's going rjc. thot so. tt one i take a neutral stand cos to me, when it comes to schools, i believe u go with ur own choice. moreover, dist is another big consideration for him. it's juz too bad.

now i reali wish i was in nepal not taking into account the company present. i mean, there i was totally carefree, dint hv to tink at all. slog in the day, rest in the night. u're so physically drained tt u reali dun hv any energy left for tinking. all the problems slowly diminish. there u are, hving a nice & peaceful sleep.

u noe, i slept so well over there. no dreams, no nightmares. back here, the afternoon nap tt i had when i touched down was filled with scares and wat-nots. found myself trapped in a world of fear, panick, danger. izzit sg's pace/way of life? or i've reali succeeded in casting all troubles aside and enjoyed the trip?

as i look at thoz carefree children back in nepal, their innocent eyes, even though they are 12, how i reali envy them. society is such tt has driven us all flustered and everything.

dam! seriously, how i wish i was still in nepal. miz the place lots.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

i've been back since fri morn. too lazy to blog simply becos i hv too many things to say. guess i'll slowly compile all tt i wanna say in a word document then paste it here. won't be soon though. at least now i'm done with the report. spent so much time on it.

anyway i came sick as usual. always happens when i go on trips. sweet of mav to visit me. sorie i was too shack out to bother abt u. left u playing comp games. tt was yest.

today, went to watch Elf with eric. so weird, onli both of us. hahaz walked ard orchard awhile b4 we finally went to heeren to take neoprints. quite ok la. though the machine was rather screwed up. took lotsa candid shots.

one more thing, i straighten my hair again today. oopz! i tink tis statement is inviting trouble. there're bound to be ppl who will scold me cos my hair is alredi so dam str8. actualli there's not much of a diff. hahaz.

2nd person i called when i got back was him. 1st was mav cos my mum said she might be coming to pick me from the airport. i bet she was sleeping and i was rite! wat's new? hahaz. back to the main pt, i guess my feelings now are being embedded. now tt he has friendster isn't gonna make matters beta. *bleahz* heck!

i lived my 10 days in Nepal w/o missing home or him. so i noe i can survive! yea.

"The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."