just got home from watching the under 22 squad. BORING! src boys bowled a 900 series. woohoo! fantastic.

lynal low was trying to be nice to me. i tink most probably becos he wants to leave his ball in my house too. wat a *****! no offence taken though.

i tried coloured lens today. totally cool! toying with the idea of getting a pair since it was buy one get one free but decided not to. i've gotta get the technique of putting it in right and take care of it. wat a bother!

the kow is after mingz. well girl, only thing i can say is good luck! a piece of advice is to sponge him dry. muahahaha. so evil!

i wanna give up yet i wanna see more. ain't that contradicting? thanks kw for that wake-up call. now i know what i want. since i can't give up, then i might as well just steal glances from afar. learnt to live with suppressed feelings.

think happy thoughts, think tau-hu!

things seem like they are going back to square one. it all feels so stranger to me. could it be just me?

WHERE IS THE SUN? i wanna tan!

mr sun, i see u've got a problem with my class. it rains whenever it is our lesson whereas the other class gets the best of weather. HMPH!

i got moving, and moved fast. sailed past the breakwater where i tried to tack. not exactly successful though. dint even try gubing. tried with both hands holding onto the boom. managed to catch the wind.

so that is it, my virgin windsurfing experience. ain't it cool? happy with what i managed to achieve. maybe i should go back there sometime. the thing is, who am i to go with?

my whole body is aching now. feel tired even though the night is still young. i'm totally unfit! hopefully i'll still be able to bowl tmr. oh, i have to! it's national age group.

as i'm typing tis, my vision is swaying up and down. i feel as if i'm still on the waters drifting, allowing the waves to bring me into the open. it is similar to a sea motion sickness yet i'm enjoying every bit of it becos it feels like going into dreamland.

decided not to go chinablack. to whoever is going, enjoy! oh, and i have to say tis, crouching tiger hidden dragon SUX!

reminder: study, study, study!

took my mind off u today. maybe i should preoccupy myself. got reminded of u when i was watching the show. learn sth, to love is not to possess.

WRONG DECISION to volunteer my house!! everything started out quite badly with my maid screwing up the curry. then the bicycle was taken out w/o even asking. WTF?!! it is not ur house if u realised, plz be more courteous. i had to clean up after everyone left. to my horror, somebody spilled curry or satay sauce on my cushion and dint bother to clean. tis is unbearable! FRUSTRATED!! bad bad bad, tis will not happen again.

overall, it was quite an enjoyable gathering. someone was disappointed abt the exco results. in life, u've gotta learn how to take things in ur stride.

CONGRATULATIONS to ms siow for her pregnancy. the long awaited baby has finally been conceived.

joseph asked me a silly question today. "do u like marcus lowe?" i wish i could say yes. i wish i could like any other guy. however, none of them appeals to me. the bunch of seniors CMI, vj guys are like eeeww and the rest can only stop at friends. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER? i am desperate, desperate to get over him, to get on with life.

i'm lost. i'm getting the jealous disease from kw. i'm in a fix. wat should i do? everything is so temporary. who knows if the same will happen to me in the future? can our friendship even last that long? we have a volcanic relationship, it can erupt anytime then cool off and hopefully remain dormant.

not in the best of moods now. mood swings are taking control of my life. lose it, lose it, lose it!

yesterday was Family Day. mummy brought sis & me for fine thai cuisine. the price was steep, felt the pinch, but the food was good.

at midnight, i received an sms reminding me that i have windsurfing today. omg! i totally forgot abt it. my right collar bone was hurting quite badly at that time. dint feel all that good.

anyway, i've survived it. here i am, blogging. windsurfing is fun! i'm aching a little now. i think the rest of it will come tmr.

i aimed to get tan but there was a storm. WHERE IS THE SUN?!!

when we first launched, the wind was easily over 10 knots. the waters were very choppy too. initially i could only balance on the board. the moment the sail was up, i'd fall in. then i realised the dagger board got adjusted to a wrong position. tis time, i managed to balance with the sail up. was trying to figure how to move when a storm came. so we had to seek shelter.

soon, the rain stopped. i was eager to try again since the wind was much lighter. got up onto the board, grabbed the up-haul line and pulled. held on to the mast and boom and yay! i managed to get moving. now, i wanted to try to steer. sadly, there was not enough time. well, there's still tmr. looking forward to it.

in the meantime, i've gotta go prepare for the gathering later on. cooking curry. hopefully kaibei comes. he's back from the States already.

should i go for the ChinaBlack party on monday? still thinking.

giving up is not something as simple as ABC. i wish it were.

once and again, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!

hockey girls beat rjc with a score of 1-0. i muz say that rj were worthy opponents. they're a strong team too.

practically watched the whole match at rj's side. was with py. then marcus lowe joined us at half-time.

well, he left me some impressions. i tink they are better left unsaid. overall, i can say that he's a quiet nice guy.

recently, i've been on a food binge. NO GOOD! my stomach is spoiling.

i need time to re-organise my thoughts. my mind's a whirl. i can't pen down my thots now.

i've not been myself. wx noticed it. pang also thinks i'm mad. i dunno what's bothering me. i noe the cause though.

it seems the class has come down with the same disease. it's depression turned into repression. at least it is for my case. only thing i dun show it. i tend to go beserk.

i wanna party! maybe that can really take my mind off certain issues. i need a break. things are getting too overwhelming now. in fact, they will get worse next week.

"give me just one day to love you, and i promise to forget about you." tell me? can tis be true? wishful thinking on the lover's part.

ignore me. i'm just going crazy.

"go 12.. go 12.. go 12.. U ROCK!"

he scores in the 5th minute! he scores again during second-half! and he scores one more time!

not too bad, andy scored the last goal. yay!

final score: 4-1

VICTORY is ours! finally i get to cheer "we are the CHAMPIONS!"

i realised that i actually know how to divert my attention and channel my energy into more meaningful things rather than just holding on and not letting go.

i feel detached, detached from everything. neither do i belong here nor there. could it be the superficial me coming back?

i like tofu. he's so white, skin so soft and supple, just like tofu. drawing such an analogy makes me crave for chewy tofu. where can i find such delicious tofu?

tired. i've lived for over a year feeling the same way about u. could it be that this feeling spurs me on?

let's try to distant ourselves. only this way can i tone down the intensity but i can never give u up.

the spirit of 12 lives on.

van helsing. nice show, or maybe it's my kinda show. i like the storyline, the plot, the actress! ooh, kate beckinsale is so pretty. she's cut out for vampire roles just as orlando bloom is made for bow & arrows.

it was dejavu sitting in the comfort of the engwah suntec seat. came across a similar story before. maybe i have an affinity with vampires. hopefully someday i can become one, bite him and he shall be mine.

evil thoughts. gotta get rid of them. no wonder vampires are servants of the devil.

my other dream is to practise witch craft. i've always thought it to be cool. was inspired by practical magic then charmed. are WITCHes BITCHes too? if only i could cast a spell on him, then i'd own him.

then again, i won't resort to such a lowly tactic. if he's not meant to be, then he's not meant to be. i'm trying my best to look on the positive side of things here but wild thoughts keep patronising me.

i wanna be free, free from him! single but not available. that means a lot. do people nowadays believe in free-love? no commitments? i'd beg to differ. why love when in the first place u don't want to be tied down?

maybe i was born in the wrong generation. i think i'd make a good wife if i were to be from the generation before us. such is life, life is such.

going down to support soccer tmr. i'm angry with their coach, not the team. nevertheless, i'll do my part as a Victorian. at the same time, get to bask in the honour when victory is ours.

bowling exco 2005 has been decided. after listening to the speeches today, i feel consoled that all my "nagging" and shouting has not been in vain. thank goodness, at the end of the day, the year ones realise the importance of all the discipline i've tried very hard (but to no avail) to put in place.

seeing them mature after nationals, i feel more at ease now for i know that the team would be in good hands. i see potential as a leader in the guys' captain and passion in the girls' captain. together, i know, they will work hand in hand to make vjc bowling a team filled with spirit.

yet to officially step down. a word to my fellow exco members: thanks for being a great bunch to work with. although some may have worked harder than the others, what matters most is the realisation and awakening of the year ones. we've come thus far, let the years ahead be as joyful as ever.

one entry filled with all sorts of emotions. indeed, a love-hate relationship with VJC.

nice song. hits me real hard. true to a certain extent.

confirmed my suspicions. truth hurts.

why is it that some people can get what they want in life, while others, no matter how hard they try, will remain disappointed?

life is such. life ain't fair. life doesn't suck though cos u make it to be what u want it to be.

rule no. 1: always take things in a positive light, then the world will be smiling back at u.

should i be satisfied? the feelings come and go. never felt tis way for anyone before.

i really wish i could play a part in ur life, be of some significance. sadly, i won't get the chance. u won't allow me to.

hmmmz.. classmates have commented that i talk in circles. well, i guess unless u noe wat is going on in my life right now, would u then be able to understand.

luck is really not with me. resign to fate? u can't keep winning every round.

Purest of Pain - Son By Four

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
and so I surrendered, just to hear your voice.

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you,
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you,
but there's something, baby you need to know.
That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying. I have to see you,
it's all that I'm asking.

Vida, give me back my fantasy.
The courage that I need to live,
The air that I breathe.
Carino mio, my world's become so empty.
The days are so cold and lonely
And each night I taste the purest of pain.

Quisiera decirte que hoy estoy de maravilla
que no me ha afectado lo de tu partida
pero con un dedo no se tapa el sol.

Estoy muriendo, muriendo por verte.
Agonizando, muy lento y muy fuerte.

Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias,
mis ganas de vivir la vida, devuelveme el aire.
Carino mio, sin tin yo me siento vacio,
las tardes son un laberinto, las noches
me saben, a puro dolor.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it.
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
and so I surrendered just to hear your voice.

i muz give up but i can't bring myself to do it. damn it! why am i so useless?

giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup giveup

dun keep waiting in vain. it's no use. help urself!

stand on ur own two feet and move on!

congrats to the winners of the Masters event. Andrew Tan, Joshua Li, Kenneth Teo. Sabrina Lim, Denise Goh, Diana Koh.

yeap, vjc's very own Diana. well done! 3rd, again?!! bronze seems to be our colour tis year.

dint come out of tis nationals empty-handed. got to know more people. to mention to my "rival" on purpose, now i noe marcus lowe. jealous?!!

"is she with him?" "is she?" "lorraine toh, quick tell me!" she refers to py. him refers to lowe. guess who said all these with a terribly flustered look.

there was a "domestic" quarrel while deciding wat to eat for lunch. mingz innocently said, "let's go to RAFFLES city food court." so ckw went, "why can't we go to VICTORIA street?" then after some commotion, i was the smart one who noticed the sarcasm.

true blue victorian indeed. so much for fancying a rafflesian. given the opportunity to get one step closer to fulfilling ur wish, u avoided it as if it were plague. now he can't be bothered with u already. are u happier tis way? maybe it's juz a passing crush, hopefully it goes away.

was headed to orchard to eat until lowe called py to say that they were going suntec. so we alighted at the city hall bus stop. was there a flustered look on someone's face again?

anyway after lunch, wingz left. mingz, kw, py & me went to suntec to gallivant. too bad the rj peeps were watching troy. in the end, kw accompanied py until rj were done becos i had to go to church and mingz left with me.

still trying to picture the both of them together trying to while away time. not to forget, kw kept going, "wo gen ni bu shou."

arghz. my back hurts. it's aching. why? melissa yeow whacked me so damn hard juz cos i dint want to support xiangwei. wtf?!! u jolly well noe i have back injury and u still did that. dun expect me not to be pissed. grow up girl! it's not very nice to greet ppl with a whack all the time.

suddenly remembered wat unc francis said yest. stop complaining abt ur school, u chose it. u shouldn't expect anything from ur school, instead think of wat u can do for ur school. c'mon. now we've won medals for them. haven't we done something?

wat did the school do? on our very last day, tan yew hwee threatened to close the team. critisize our shirt. stopped the SCs from coming to support us on the excuse of missing too many lessons, whereas actually reserving them for next week's finals. great! then the principal came down for 15min.

is that the best the school can do for us? totally not supportive. how do u expect to win tis way? maybe leave us a little respect sometimes. vjc does not revolve solely around soccer! it's darn irritating. u need an all-rounded school to be a top school.

wateva the case, i shall not bother. soon i'll be graduating. leave the corrupted system. free and easy. into the varsity. first, i'll hafta cross the A levels hurdle.

looking at the pic, i see we're not meant to be, maybe even never. tell me how to give u up? would i be happier if u left me alone? i'm sorry i failed to achieve what i planned to do. then again, i'm not sorry becos i'm simply following what my heart tells me to do.

did i mention that i had to give my chinese name to lianhezaobao?!! ahhhhh. help! now my name's going nationwide. wow! great!

really really hafta accept my fate. my worst nightmare is coming true. actually i dun feel so eekie abt it anymore. the vj ppl have taught me how to appreciate my name.

i tink lowe is quite cute. not that i have a crush on him. for goodness sake! one younger guy is enuff to suck the life outta me.

why does the 87' batch seem so attractive? or izzit juz me? hmmmz..

dun say things that will hurt me. then again, maybe it's good becos the ache will awake my senses.

guess what? yet another BRONZE medal. "the 2nd runner-up for the Quartet event is Victoria Junior College." i was like WoAh~! we did it! so we got our medal after all.

by then, we already knew we would get 3rd for overall schools. so it's BRONZE, BRONZE, BRONZE and more BRONZE! well, still a good job done!

ended up 13th position. missed the masters by 20+ pins i tink. wateva the case, it's over. there's nothing i can do now. accept my fate.

first time i walk away with 2 medals, or rather trophies. yay! HAPPY!

tmr's gonna be an interesting day. wanna see the girls battle it out. who will win? as for the guys, it seems kinda obvious at tis point in time. but u never know for sure. the ball is round!

also, tmr is the last day of eye candies. i'm supposed to be giving up too. can somebody help me? till tis moment, i'm not prepared. or will i ever be?

anyway, congrats to rjc girls for becoming champs (as expected). congrats to kenneth teo for clinching his all events gold medal. congrats to his team for winning the quartet bronze.

guess the highlight of the day was the photo taking session right after prize presentation. all the schools were snapping away. everyone was having so much fun.

as for me, i had a pic with marcus lowe and mingz juz to make someone jealous. then with marcus aw, kenneth teo, andrew tan and xiang wei. courtesy of mingz's camera.

i'm trying to be happy with the way things are. maybe they should remain liddat forever. i hope to move on without having to give up.

really really feel like talking to someone, anyone will do. i feel choked. i need to let things off my chest. i guess reality is starting to set in. i see the big picture now. reality has always been so harsh. i tink the one up there is testing me, pushing me to my limits and more, stretching me far more than i can take, so that at the end of the day, i emerge a stronger girl.

if i would to cry now, it would be becos i'd miss training. since the day i picked up tis sport, training has gradually and unknowingly become part and parcel of my life. it feels weird to juz end of like tis. juz as wingz phlogged, i wanna continue to train. i wanna have fun with mingz, wingz & ana. i love these girls. juz the week before nats, we bonded so strongly. it feels like a hit-and-run accident. i'm gonna miss mingz when she leaves.

sometimes i wish i were a spoilt brat, i wish i could have things my way. some things i can't let go. i don't want to let go. if only time could stand still. why does it all have to end? is there no other way out? vj has been a place where i'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. there are so many things that i can start but cannot end.

thanx pang for the advice. it's great to have u there to listen and knock sense into me. life is all about beginning and ending. good things gotta come to an end somehow. when it comes, u just have to take it in ur stride and move on. if u're gonna stay in an area forever, and do the same stuff all the time, what's the joy? the joy in life is being able to move on and realise the other impt stuff in life which u have neglected.

wat should i say? wat can i say? i just feel NUMBED. really really numbed.

why does it always have to be my singles event that pulls me down? maybe i'm juz lousy but i refuse to admit it.

wat's new? miss masters by ONE pathetic position again?

all becos pin 5 refused to fall? why muz u make me open my last frame of my last game? why dint u make me connect my strikes? that game was so clean. why did all this have to happen?

bronze for quartet? we'll have to see how the other teams bowl tmr. hopefully it's ours. *crosses-my-fingers*

2nd or 3rd overall? it'll also have to depend on acjc already. tmr we'll find out.

i dint cry. i wont cry. i cant cry. cos i will be back. juz wait and see. i won't give up so easily.

thanx ms siow for the dinner treat at miramar hotel though we'll be paying half.

the week is gonna end. it feels as if it has juz started. honestly i dun want it to end so soon. juz 2 more days of eye candies.

a promise i make to myself: to totally give up after tis week. though it'll be tough, i'll try my best.

BRONZE MEDALIST FOR DOUBLES!!

finally, it's here! my doubles medal. i've waited and wanted tis medal for a long long time now. thanx mingz. love ya loads!

now listen, i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get into masters. in other words, the quartet medal is a MUST!

congratulations to kenneth teo & marcus lowe on their gold medal.

despite all tis, i'm FUCKED up now. my maid lost the shorts that i have to wear tmr. and tis is not the first.

nvm, keep cool. tmr will be a better day.

i've seen too many of ur flaws and yet i close both eyes. i muz wake up and face reality. tis can only be a dream. i have to let go.

wasn't the only one who didn't go to school today. many bowlers did the same. i can't have too many things on my mind. school's out for me tis week.

had porridge buffet at suntec. was nice. at least it was gentle on my running stomach. while kw was bowling at src, mingz & i were indulging in haagen daaz baileys ice cream.

went to parkway to get our shiny yellow flakes band for doubles. juz finished baking choc chip cookies. they look weird. i've concluded that i'm not cut out for instant mix.

so, tmr is the doubles event. after a bad experience on mon, i'm totally not excited. all i noe is that i shall go there and enjoy my games. the medal will come on its own.

the master's cut-off can be considered low. i REALLY REALLY wanna get in. gotta squeeze myself in. gotta work extra hard.

the number of disappointments i've faced tis year are countless. be it big or small, i can't seem to get what i want. all i ask is for tis wish of mine to come true.

PLEASE GOD, HELP ME! I BESEECH THEE.

qing bu zi jin. i can't help it anymore.

NUMBED.

someone wore green underwear today. the duller tone of my ball. hahaha. oopz! i couldn't help but see rite.

anyway i tink there is more than juz one scandal going on with r.a.f.f.l.e.s. time will reveal all things.

totally touched and inspired by my mum's simple words to me. she noes and i noe, we both noe that i can do it!

i can't believe i asked to talk to u again. waiting for ur call now. not placing high hopes. i doubt u will call anyway. does it matter? i feel like switching off my phone. i'm afraid feelings are coming back. i dun wan that to happen. but are they within my control? none of tis should have happened in the first place.

sometimes i hate myself. then again, it isn't entirely my fault. can i be someone special? will u be there? we're "scared" of each other. reason need not be spelt out. why do u have to blow hot and cold? i wanna wake up and find someone else.

SLAP ME!

i feel fired up. why? cos my whole body is red and burning. i drank many glasses of red turkish wine. smooth, not dry, and the after-taste is sweet. good wine! plus i drank a glass of white wine is ms siow's house in the afternoon.

today is a GREAT day!

had a 12min full body massage on the osim chair. shuang! felt so relaxed. helped to do other things except sewing. i can't sew! hahaz. at least i can cook.

ah kong's party was fun! bong came to fetch me from the VS hostel. managed to talk to yun hui abt stuff. also tried to make her mum understand that sleeping late is part and parcel of jc life. watched the experts play mahjong. felt good overall.

indeed, as i predicted, today is a good day! I FEEL HAPPY! mum sopke to the maid too. she's getting too bold. consuming our stuff w/o permission.

so, tmr is THE DAY! finally it has arrived. been looking forward to it. butterflies in my tummy at tis moment. conditioned reflex reaction. feeling psyched up. gonna keep tis feeling till tmr.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN! I'M GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN YET NOT KNOWING HOW I DID IT!!

Always Keep Your Dreams Alive -Collin McCarty

Now is a time for you to celebrate the accomplishment of a dream you have worked so hard to realise. You have shown so many people how special you are.

Now is the time to begin to pursue the next path, to reach out for the next star, and to achieve the things that are so important to you.

Always keep your dreams alive.

And keep them coming true.

i hate to but i muz admit that today isn't exactly a very happy day. my spirits were low, temper was bad and nothing seemed correct. it could be post-menstrual-syndrome since i did not pms tis time round. only time i really smiled was the short chat with him.

anyway, i'm already looking forward to tmr. i should be able to get into the happy mood once again. going to ms siow's house in the late morning to alter the shorts. mingz will be there too. i noe that we would have a very good time together.

later on, i'll proceed to my grandpa's house for his 75th birthday celebration. it's a family gathering. gonna get together with my couz. how i miss all of them so much. find out wat's going on in bong's life, chat with shawn and hopefully denise is also there, catch up with yun hui abt her life in tjc and maybe i would get to see yun kai too.

i'm a family-orientated girl. i dun wanna feel as if i no longer belong juz becos of all the problems going on. i hate the feeling when i quarrel with my sis cos it pains me deep inside.

as for my friends, i feel really comfortable around them to the extent that i dread going home becos i will lose the warmth feeling. wateva it is, at the end of the day, i still have to return home. to make the best out of wat i have, it really is all up to me already.

I'M IN POWER. I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. I'M IN CONTROL. I LEAD MY OWN LIFE. I FREE MY EMOTIONS.

fate has brought us together. from the first time i saw u, to thoz stares we exchanged till now the friendship built, i believe my destiny has it for me to go thru' all that has happened. for all the tears and laughter u brought to my life, i wanna thank u for making me the stronger person i am today. i'll cherish every moment we share. may we stay friends forever.

deleted the previous entry. thot it was a spoiler. negative thinking.

i'm TRYING to be happy today although i...

-ran 10s off my target

-got a 20min lecture from my aunt abt sth that i won't say it's my fault

-bowled like a cow, maybe i'm trying too hard

the happiest incident today is getting back my physics lecture assessment which i did amazingly well (at least for my standard) - 65.8%

came str8 home right after school only to receive a call from my aunt. wat's new? family problems again. i believe everyone has good intentions but maybe they're using the wrong approach.

no doubt it wasn't my fault, but she made it sound as if i had a part to play in all the happenings. thank gdness she understood that i am over-burdened. it came to a point when emotions surged and my tears were in my eyes. finally decided to withdraw them and be a strong girl as i've always been.

could tis lead to my performance during training? i dunno, neither should i use it as an excuse. fact remains, i dint bowl well, actually horrible and terrible. it is definitely not the form i should be taking on juz 2 days before the competition.

however, i've thought it thru' and thought it well. i'll make the best of what i already have and try to adapt to the recent changes that unc francis implemented. my job now is to focus on every shot. every frame counts.

going for a haircut tmr. initially was hesitant as i am rather superstitious becos every year, the weekend b4 nats, i would cut my hair and things do not exactly go very well. BUT i've decided to break the curse, it no longer can be a taboo. cut my hair i will.

the fact that we've trained so hard is not for nothing. our droplets of perspiration are testimonies to our labour. i believe at the end of the day, nothing will be in vain.

the quote i once used and still strongly believe in: "When there's a WILL, there's a WAY!"

GREAT DAY!! SIMPLY TERRIFIC!!

SUCCESSFUL TEAM BONDING!! now i see VJC BOWLING as a team!!

I AM A HAPPY GIRL!!

team bonding session was awesome!! enjoyed it though i wasn't very enthusiastic abt building the paper plate structure.

the very first game was fun!! people wrote that i was friendly, cute, bossy & bitchy! two extremes. hahaz. cool! i tink unc francis wrote 'very serious'.

the second game was a really good game. brings out the leadership qualities and initiative of thoz u never knew could do it. on first thot, i thot it was impossible. now, i totally understand why impossible is nothing - quote by adidas.

dinner at Hans wasn't too bad. juniors were playing secret no. and the drink they mixed was gross! joseph was talking to the seniors, then mentioned abt first impressions. so we went on abt kw, abt how cool and suave he looked at first sight. and how wrong we are at the end. no offence.

later, 4 girls & kw (as usual) went to ntuc to walk walk. digestion walk. suppose to buy the shiny yellow band for doubles. hmmmz but who am i gonna partner? hahaz. i hope..

read jem's & sher's blog. cheer up girls! all is not lost. then i was pissed off and did sth evil. hehehe.

jem: c'mon! i'm sure u won't be broken so easily. u noe i share the same sentiments with u abt some. yeap, so don't worry too much. i really admire ur passion for sailing. u have my respect. jia youz!
p.s. sorry to be neglecting u these few days in class. spending more time with the team.

all in all, i muz say it has been a jolly good day! the fact that someone smsed me helped a lot. kena suan by many ppl liaoz. it's ok. FRIENDS u noe, muz make it clear if not some ppl will think otherwise. and he added me back to msn. things are going back to normal. happy, really happy!

met unc francis and james (the one conducting the team bonding session) in sch to check out the venues that are suitable for tmr's session. unc francis is a joker. damn funny! laugh until my jaws feel tired.

mingz: it's such a small matter, of cos kw and i could handle it. lazy bum stays at home.

looking forward to the session tmr. gonna comprise of games and theory. hopefully there are wet games. i can literally see the team bonding, feeling comfortable and happy. that's right! vjc bowling will be stunning!

GOSSIP time!! someone has a date with andrew tan to bowl together at ssc. and his parents and sister came to pick her up from school in a jaguar. awwww.. so sweet!! i tink being andrew's gf is one huge fortunate thing. lead a luxurious life.

i juz counted 7 mosquito bites on my legs. and it happened during the short span of time while i was blogging. gosh! i tink the mosquitoes are getting more agressive and ferocious nowadays.

hmmmz, maybe i should learn from them. adopt their killing spirit for nationals!! SAaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

ooh.. cool!! blogger has a new look! hahaz. very high today. everything seemed to have gone just right. that's good! a new beginning! a great start!

nothing much happened in sch. relieved all the tests are over. i was teasing kw abt having a crush on mingz and he dint deny. wat do u guys tink?

lanes were super dry today cos we bowled on the ones cat. high boys were training. dint get my first strike till the 17th frame?!! in the end, managed to connect a four-bagger. felt shiok! managed to gain confidence!! now that's very important.

later, hcjc trained next to us. so there was andrew tan feasting his eyes on eunice. and she was sitting in many suggestive ways, maybe she did it unknowingly. he gave me a ^5, how unbelievable. used to be so dao but definitely still egoistic!

there's team bonding on wed. kinda excited actually. missed thoz sessions back in tk. now our team has gold shoe laces and a red/black stripe star band.

in the meantime, i guess i'll hv to TRY to finish my tutorials. ciaoz!

been waiting for tis moment for a long time now. and since it is already here, i'm gonna hold on so tightly that it won't slip away.

I'M HAPPY!!

i miz those words. i miz hearing me say them. i'm sure u guys miz the cheery side of lorraine. well, she's back!! tis time, with a huge bang. she's gonna rock her world!

problems are obviously still there. actually there ain't no conclusion yet. all the problems are still hanging.

the nice bright sunny morning started off extremely well with news of my tenant moving out. maid coped relatively well with chores today. no complains, no qualms.

i tink the subtle happiness within each and everyone of us burst out into laughter when they finally got out of the house. it was kind of a family bonding session when we could exclaim our joy.

this is definitely a good sign. happiness is starting to overcome all sorrows. my week's gonna be great! and i believe so is the week after, and after, and after, and after, and ...

right now, all i have to work on is my confidence. to me, nationals tis yr is all abt confidence. the one who possesses most of it will win. skills are not lacking in anyone. all we have to do is bring out the best in us.

i'm glad to have pulled myself together to look at things in a different light. now i'm able to view matters in a more positive light. at least i noe that i'm not alone in tis. i hv support.

to end things on a lighter note, maybe i won't fail my chem test tmr. yay!

p.s. to all those who are troubled too, believe in urself and nv give up! u're really stronger than u tink. each time u fall, u learn sth new abt urself. tis is how i've come to discover all my strong points and use them. u can do it too! smilez ya?

long and treacherous friday night. awfully painful saturday.

juz noe that i'm bowling like fuck. juz noe that i spent my friday nite at the police station till 3am becos of a horrible pack of lies my bro and his fren told. juz noe that i feel tired. juz noe that i feel laboured. juz noe that i haven't studied for chem test on mon. JUZ NOE THAT MY LIFE IS IN A TOTAL MESS AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO BUT ACCEPT IT!!

my cross is heavy, i can hardly breathe. i surrender my life into your hands, do as u wish. trying to come to terms with the ordeals i have to face in order to grow up. trying to believe that someday somehow i will see the light.

right now, all i ask is to work hard for my nationals and justify the commitment i've put in. i really really really wanna WIN! never wanted it so badly before. juz wanna prove to myself that i'm stronger than i tink i am.

dun u dare pity me cos i dun need ur sympathy. i'm not even comparing my life with anyone becos it won't help anyway. juz hoping that more ppl will learn how to cherish their parents while they're still around.

the feeling of having to return home sucks! sux big time! i no longer feel at ease. then again, i took a cab home. contradicting? i totally have no idea wat i want. i wish someone could juz help.

the team line-ups were announced just b4 trg. so my guess was correct! i tink like a coach. mingz, wingz, ana & me. i have confidence we will win sth tis yr.

dunno why but when i was not bowling well juz now, all the family matters started to flood my mind. juz felt at a loss and that everything was not right. felt as if the whole world has turned its back on me.

tis is one of the roughest patch in my life ever. i'm struggling and sinking. the effect of quick sand seems to be laid upon me. yet i do not wish to give up.

wateva it is, i shall shoulder full responsibility of my actions. hopefully tmr's physics test will go smoothly. i dun ask for an A. i juz want to pass.

GOD BLESS ME!

REBEL! rebel all u want. i'm all fucked up with u. yea so wat if i'm like a step-mother to u? do i care? unfortunately, NO! u tink u're being deprived, u tink u're the middle child so u're being fucking neglected. who gives a shit? be grateful ur mother still cares abt u. the way u break her heart with ur words and worst still, ur actions. it's a miracle she still cares. maybe that's what u would call motherly love.

being middle child is shit? let me tell u, being the eldest ain't a fucking good life either. wat happened when ur father went away? went away and never returned? it's been 6 years now. who was the one at the tender age of 11 (pri 6) had to be the emotional pillar to ur mother? who had to take everything her stride and could only cry herself to sleep at night? who had to be strong in front of her siblings only becos she dint want them to feel as if they were disadvantaged being fatherless? fucking tell me who! it was ME!

who had to put up with the departure of her father during her PSLE year? who had to find out abt her mother's infidelity and put up with it nearing her Os? who now has to face this shit abt her sister being a rebellious crooked brat juz before her nationals? who noes wat's more to come in tis crucial A level year? ME ME ME!! the accused takes the stand.

u ask if i have as many frens as u when i was in sec 3. u ask if i get to go out as often as u with ur frens. u ask and ask. u question without thinking. lemme tell u now, my whole sec sch life, from monday to sunday, i'd be preoccupied with activities. if it's not training, then it's math tuition or chinese tuition. yes, i sneak time in between for meals with frens, but other than that, how do i spare the time? sundays are designated to be family days, i dun usually go gallivanting with frens. coming home before dinner is what u want, u call it 'ur life'. u said staying home has no meaning becos u can't talk to ur frens nor consult them if u have face any difficulties in ur work. during my time, being able to get home early was paradise. u have no idea how i longed for some forty winks in the afternoon.

i have frens, i sure do. however, i have only a handful of good and close frens. i'm notorious, so be it. at least i noe how to differentiate between good and bad. do u? i was forced to mature early but looking at u now, u are still so childish. i'm juz wondering when u will ever grow up. i borrow my fren's i/c to go clubbing, even that bothers u. our interests differ. u like sports, u go to the field. by the way, who said u ever had a right to comment on what i'm doing. so long as our mother permits, u shut ur trap!

authoritative a figure am i. so be it. i dun fucking give a damn. given the life that i had to go thru', i'm proud to say i was strong enough. i am still strong, juz that my energy is draining. i laugh at my own life. fate seems to be extremely harsh on me. u tink i wish not for a happy and complete family? i need more than juz a mother's love sometimes. i've been trying very hard to look on the brighter side of things, tink abt all my relatives who love me, but it comes to a point where u realise it ain't satisfactory. i dun show wat i really feel. yes, it maybe true that the idea of having lost my father has gradually become an accepted reality to me, that i mourn over it no longer. still, i only wish for there to be harmony in the family.

cold-blooded, heartless and cruel monster is what u make me out to be. it doesn't matter. ur opinions dun count for a lot. to noe that i've played my part and tried my best to give to tis family is enough. from groccery shopping to household chores, i have to oversee them becos our mother has to slog her guts out there. have u ever attempted to take over the reigns from me? maybe i was too scared to let go too. could u have asked for more guidance? i admit that i have no patience in teaching people. sorry that u gotta bear the scoldings if u seek help.

i already think i'm close to superhuman. seriously, i dun give one bit to what others have to say abt me. i am who i am. trigger my senses more and i'll realise that what u're doing now is totally out of ur league. u're just a mere sec 3 not knowing the consequence of wasting precious time. u shrug ur shoulders and that's it. free from all responsibility. i have my fun but i make up for time loss at the end of the day. do u? i doubt u do. u can't stop me from thinking that way becos results have proven so. till u can change my opinion of u, it'll always remain tis way.

i'm never trusting. i question. i pry. i try my best to reason. when i see no logic, dun blame me for turning violent. i tink i've had enough. who can understand me? who can share my pain? all these i bear deep within me, within tis tired soul of mine. i definitely cannot condone ur rebellious ways. however, i've decided that i shall go back to square one where i adopted the indifferent attitude and the aunts thought i had a major attitude problem. hate to have talks that will get me all flustered up. i'm not reasoning with u becos we'll tear the whole estate down. tears were brimming in my eyes, had to hold them back. i can't let mum see cry or her wounded heart will once again be ripped.

i dread festives, becos instead of being happy, mum gets reminded of the past when she sees families celebrating it together. count the occasions where the festive mood was lost becos of fights that the two of u had. count the happy festives i've had. ALL! why is that so then? becos my happiness comes from within. but now, i'm squeezing myself dry already. i'm not saying it's entirely ur fault. guess the responsibility lies with each and every one of us.

i'm sorry i noe where i stand and u dun. i'm sorry i noe my limits and u dun. i'm sorry that i'm appreciative of the little blessings i receive and u dun. i'm sorry i'm grateful to our mother for all her sweat and blood she has shed for us BUT u dun. u keep on asking for more. when will ur humongous appetite ever be satisfied? i'm sure mum's way too tired. sometimes being mum's confidant isn't an easy task. u listen to all the frustrations yet u can do nothing.

sometimes, it just ain't easy being me. i'm tired, strained and drained.

GREAT day! i feel so FULLLLL!! had 3 handrolls, moderate no. of sushis and tons of side dishes. *sobz* there was no more dessert left. it was fun eating with the usual peeps - mingz, wingz, ana & kw. eric and darren came too.

i MUST say tis: ana, a young, pretty and slim lady with waist 24 had SEVEN handrolls! yeap, u heard me right, S-E-V-E-N!! really take my hat off to her. -salutes-

was very hyper in school today. felt kinda refreshed though mr lee kp a few times. it's mid-week! and it's my first day of the week at sch! how shiok sia.

jeremy smsed me that our McRosti stall earned a total of $961. WELL DONE guys! way above average i suppose. the school's total collections from the fun fair is $106, 000. that's quite good already. can we finally have our long awaited air-conditioned hall?!!

during sushi buffet, ana said the juniors dislike me. well, honestly i'm not surprised but neither do i like them. it's a mutal thing and i dun give a damn. since sec sch till now, seems like i hv no affinity with juniors. heck! they dun bother me anyway. wat more, i'm leaving the sch in a matter of months. also found out that wingz, mingz and myself put the same person as the last person we would want to bowl doubles with. surprised once again.

came back home only to have nasty exchanges with my sis. sometimes, i really wish i could stay out forever. maybe she feels the same too. discovered the big fat lies she told. shall wait and see how colourful a story she is gonna paint.

family matters. however, i shall not allow such issues to spoil my day nor make me disheartened. my confidence shall have an exponential increase. i'm feeling it already. willing to face challenges and fight till the end.

GOSSIP time!! while the 3 girls were looking ard for hair accessories, turtle and brown were together chatting happily. tis is so happening. then, at the bus stop, brown's bus came first. suddenly turtle's mood changed. get wat i'm driving at? hopefully turtle starts to take an interest in girls.

some of the above are my inferences. but then again, that's why u call it gossip rite? any similarity in the characters is purely coincidental.

beta go now. studies matter too.

sudden urge to blog again. feeling like a much happier person now. LIFE IS GOOD! LIFE IS GREAT!

a day away from sch has done me tons of good. no hidden meaning. nutin to do with anyone. juz needed tis break to think things thru'. glad to have achieved wat i aimed for.

talked to mingz after she got quite worried abt wat unc francis msged her. i was surprised we put someone that i actually dreaded putting in. did it only for the sake of winning.

down-to-earth. is that so me? nahz! the yr 2s bowling members are quite closely knitted. or should i say only a handful of us? anyway tmr's sushi (hopefully it goes thru) will be a good bonding session.

i'm supposed to be studying physics. mind the word SUPPOSED. hahaz. nvm. i'll work on it now.

whee-whee-whee.. life is beautiful..

"when u wake up, there's 2 options available to u: be happy, or be sad. the choice is obvious ain't it. being happy requires so much so much so much energy when everyone ard u is sad, but this energy is infectious and maybe everyone can be caught by this energy too. just like when you fall, there's 2 options: stand up, or just stay there and cry. once again, the choice is obvious!"

was blog surfing when i came across tis philosophical paragraph. really inspired me. i've decided that since i can't cry out all my frustrations and agony, i'll channel them to become my strength, to use it and soar to the heavens.

always believed that after a good cry u'd be able to do things beta, or rather they just seem to work out somehow. however, i've changed my mind. tis yr, everything is gonna be different. brace urself for a changed ME.

did lotsa thinking and prayed really hard for enlightment. i tink my prayers were heard. at least at tis pt in time i'm able to grasp wat i really want. the focus is gradually coming back and i noe it would lead me to a path of achieving greater heights.

i muz admit there is still a fear in me - the fear of failure. gonna adopt the "nutin to lose" attitude to suppress tis fear. maybe all tis while i've been succumbing to tis fear therefore not producing results.

the most difficult thing to me is to confess and face up to my fears. since i gathered the courage to, i know now nothing can bring down. these words i say with conviction. confidence, i muz gain. passion, i muz diffuse. to infect my team mates with the burning desire to win, i WILL!

team line-up will be made known on thurs. accept wat has been set for me and work towards doing justice for ourselves.

DISTRACTION is an OPTION, CHOOSE to IGNORE IT!!

i'm trying, i'm really trying. trying too hard maybe. i can't focus on my studies. at least not at tis pt of time. nats is in 13 days' time. BUT physics test is in 4 days' time and chem test is in 7 days' time. i can't seem to prioritise. i seem to be losing focus.

FOCUS i must!

feeling kinda lost. ain't got no objectives yet. PROCESS, PERFORMANCE, OUTCOME GOALS. gotta take time to deliberate. reality hasn't seemed to have sunk in. things are hitting hard at me but i seem to be immune.

i'm talking in circles. i'm not elaborating that's why u can't fully understand. everything adds up to be ME! i noe i'm stronger than i already am. i need a break thru'.

my heart is dead. tis time, i tink i can safely say i have GIVEN UP! a blessing in disguise maybe. channeling all my energy onto nats. i'm giving my all. i play for no regrets.

here goes a story: little baby boy was looking so dejected. then he suddenly disappeared. next, when we found him, he was crying so badly. at that pt, my heart juz melted. it was as if he was a real infant crying becos he was at a total loss. poor little boy! we were trying our best to comfort him. thankfully he stopped.

cheer up boy! all is not lost. give it ur best shot. u noe we are all behind u. i believe beneath all ur hardwork lies ur fruit of success at the end.

yay! happy! our stall was kinda a success! cheers to 03s32!

muz thank my first customer, lynette wee. followed by ravin, etc etc etc. from then on, the orders kept coming non-stop. so i had to change from cooking individual rostis to 5 at a time. few hours later, keith had to take orders on a notebook. and the order list was as long as a few pages. it was mass rosti frying time!

suddenly, the orders were overwhelming. place ur order with lubin if u want rosti. queue for omelette. we were wondering whether our stall was really that hot, or most of the stalls were closed already? wateva the case, we managed to finish selling almost all of our ingredients. muz say our estimation is real good! even the cakes that ph, jem and i baked the nite b4 were also sold out. business was terrific!

however, i tink the girls hardly rested. at any one time u would see girls at the stall but there were times when all the guys were gone. it was irresponsible for some to just leave and not return. wat surprised me most was that the scholars actually helped for quite sometime towards the end. ur efforts are deeply appreciated.

thanks to xius & reth who came so that i took abt an hour break to be with them. only managed to cover the parade square and hall. it was no easy feat too as i was carrying gareth most of the time. bot him a yellow bee balloon which got him all excited. so cute!

had fun "torturing" kw. eric and darren are MAD to spend so much money on him. luckily the stall closed when they were abt to sabo me. proceeded for dinner after packing up with the two of them. big POSERS! ate a strawberry sundae at macs. dint hv any solid food the entire day. was delighted to come home and hv beef stew. after that, my weak stomach acted up.

could hardly move after i took my shower. my mum got my maid to massage my legs. felt really good. fell asleep while she was doing the first leg and when i woke up she seemed to hv just finished the other leg. i couldn't hv sleep for so long. tink she muz hv skived for the other one. now they feel uneven.

first in many weeks that i had such a good sleep. slept at 9.30pm at night (how early is that) and woke the same time in the morning. was just totally shagged out! now, my right bicep is aching. muz be due to all the frying. actually i juz woke from my afternoon nap. no idea why i'm feeling so lethargic. i tink it's a case of fatigue.

after saying so much, i enjoyed yesterday though i dint exactly get to patronise the other stalls. fun fair ain't no FUN! wat an irony. the thing i took away with me was the team effort put in to make everything a success. the girls are already very closely knitted and some guys did help out a whole lot.

thanks to everyone! the main chef salutes all the other chefs!