"baa baa black sheep . . ."
now it seems i'm the black sheep of the family.

issue #1.
mum does not believe that sis smokes. i told her everything i saw and even found the packs of cigarettes but she chose to believe what sis told her. the cigarettes belong to a friend's friend, she's just keeping it. moreover, she has asthma, therefore, won't smoke. are you buying her story already? mum thinks the burnt smell that day was probably sis burning paper. either mum is SENILE or in SELF-DENIAL!! so it seems i'm the one making stories up and trying to break the mother-daughter bond. freaking pissed off with both of them.

issue #2.
i've got a problem with sound. when i speak too loudly, my ears heard. however, when i feel i'm speaking normally, i can't seem to be heard. i really don't know if it's my voice or if it's their hearing. and yes, quarrelled with mum over that as well. seemingly trival but apparently NOT.

issue #3.
i hate it when godma goes, "actually your sister is very sweet. maybe you don't think so but she is." pardon me! you do not know head nor tail of anything and you always give you unwanted opinions. you might not know it but all your comments are in a way encouraging the younger ones to think what they're doing is right and go off track. why the hell does she want you to perm her hair? because it's giving her a natural spike so she does not have to resort to gel. and you go, "she'll wear a dress soon." how soon? after you're 6 feet underground?!

adults! wake up! nib the bud of the problem NOW! here i am trying to help but my help is not appreciated and in fact redundant.

mum, if you're not going to put a stop to everything anytime soon, you'll live to regret. conscience is one thing that has been stolen from sis. she's on the rebellion track. it'll take a lot to counsel her. now that we're not on talking terms, it's up to you to take action. i've done what is permitted and my conscience is clear. after my exams, if the situation gets worse or i see no improvement, i'll not bother about anything promises to secrecy and will just explode. when that time comes, i don't know who will live in shame but i know my responsibility as a sister is done. do not blame me then for despising her. she certainly has no respect from me, much less any good for me to talk about. i might be tearing the family with my bare hands but there isn't much of a 'FAMILY' title to start off with.


kept all of that since thursday night. finally letting it out takes a heavy load off me. i'm becoming very cold towards family members because everyone is keeping up with a pretence. i've to start looking for outlets of pleasure. i used to think i could live with just family alone but i was WRONG! this family makes me want to runaway. i'm only looking forward to after As so that i can devote myself to working. or maybe i could marry a foreigner and live overseas. that will send me away to a foreign land where i can make new friends all over again. i could build a better home as compared to present. at this point in time, home carries an entirely different meaning. there is no real warmth and cosiness anymore. strangers we all are. everything that used to be has vanished into thin air. i yearn for the past.

haha oopz! wrong info i gave. too bad! but there really seemed to be a leak of info for chem prac. all the discussions i heard this morning came out.

well, it wasn't too bad but i didn't finish QA. got cheated once and again. i couldn't test for sulphur dioxide. my litmus paper didn't bleach and my dichromate didn't turn green. *sobz* there is no affinity between SO2 and me. it happened during O levels and it happened again! damn!

practicals are finally over! day 2 of 12 days.

i'm a sucker for freshly squeezed calamansi. believe or not, there is a natural sweetness. the sourness really triggers your senses. it's a brand new sensation with each sip. i don't know how i got to this topic, a form of relaxation i reckon. am i making sense? anyway, let's just hope the acid does not cause a gastric attack.

to all those trying to brush up on GP, attempt acjc's prelim paper. it's freaking difficult! it takes GP to a whole new standard.

there seems to be a leak of information for chemistry practical. it could be a rumour or it could really be true. just take it that i'm rather intuitive (because i do not want to re-do the prac if moe finds out), organic chemistry is most likely to come out. no harm paying more attention to it, all you lucky blog readers.

GOOD LUCK for CHEM PRAC!!

today is a fine day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNETH!!

one word to describe the prac: SWAY!!

for the 1st expt, the clamp couldn't be screwed onto the retort stand cos the screw was screwed up! changed equipment. everything was going on well except that i had to calm myself down before displacing the magnet to oscillate so that my hand wouldn't tremble so badly. 10 min before the swop, i realised i plotted the wrong axis. plotted x/cm instead of lg(x/cm). PANIC!! plus i calculated gradient and y-intercept already.

2nd expt required a little more thinking. had to refer to the question paper and the paper given. forced myself to connect the circuit asap. wasted no time in conducting the expt but the light bulb burnt and there was smoke when i was finding the 8.0V length. the bulb was broken and i didn't even know. had to wait it to be replaced. luckily things went a bit more smoothly this time round. rushed thru' everything then finished up the 1st expt.

thank goodness i managed to finish everything on time. how unlucky can i get!! both sets of apparatus gave problems. pathetic!! it was also very confusing to convert the significant figures into decimal places and vice-versa. nvm. it's over. 1 day down, 11 days of papers to go. actually today only marks the start of the 5 weeks endurance test!

yesterday seemed to be a GAY day for me. had a gay story in the afternoon and one more at night. channel 5, cold case. it was about this baseball player who was gay and was murdered in the alley behind the gay club. more importantly, both gays in the two shows had girlfriends. now i really wonder who is putting on a facade. maybe there are more gays around me than i know.

i figured what is wrong with me, simply PRE-menstrual syndrome. it's due sometime late next week i think. actually i don't know. i don't bother keeping track. let nature take its course.

erpz! i think that was quite crappy but what do you expect? i've been home alone the WHOLE day and the furthest i went was 10 steps out my door to hang the clothes. mum and sis are in JB, bro is at his godparents' house, so that leaves a crackpot staring at the walls and trying to find solace in studying physics prac!

today's re-run of 'Kindred Spirit' was the gay episode. personally, i can accept homosexuals but it's different when your family member is becoming one. and it's not because she is borned this way, it's because of influence. her grounds are just too ridiculous to be accepted.

besides, she's really really rotting. initially it was rebelling by defiance. now, it has turned into smoking. what's next? can someone please tell me what to do? much as i want to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to everything, i can't. even to see a friend waste her life away would hurt me, much less she's blood-related.

sick and tired of all this shit. it really never rains but pours. family issues haunt me whenever a major exam is coming up. nothing too surprising, i've learnt to deal, considering the past two experiences.

on a lighter note, i did something very stupid yesterday. i wanted to test if the pen inks were waterproof. was trying to drip water from the cup but ended up spilling everything. waterproof indeed! btw, sherlyn, i think your sweat contains chemicals to dissolve the ink. the uniball pen is waterproof.

anyway, GOOD LUCK to all A level physics candidates for practical tomorrow!

deleted the earlier post. i'm a happy girl! i cannot afford to have all my entries whining and complaining and seemingly depressing. the fact remains that i was damn upset just now. over nothing? or over something? i ate ice cream because of that and chocolate. ultra sinful! chocolate is really an anti-depressant and it works real fast. or maybe it's working psychologically.

confidence booster! i scraped an A for the chem mock paper 3 even though the entire first question got kosong. i think my chem's on track, math is getting a little more stable now. so there's just physics and f math to brush up on. most importantly, GP!

apparently, all these seem like empty talk. i've slacked 2 days away already. guess i'd work thru' the night today. i bought 9 ball point pens from popular. it's the lousy type that comes in value packs. i just need them to see me thru' the 12 days of papers.

deep down i'm still very unhappy. lousy feelings in exchange for good grades? sounds like a good deal. whatever it is, i had better start learning to face reality and step out of my comfort zones. guess it applies to everything.

most of the guys received their enlistment letter. they're going in very early! within the first two weeks of january. that leaves very little time after the As. there's gonna be 6 girls left if grace and xiang pin return to their homelands. the whole idea sounds miserable. the best is to work work work and earn $$$!!

just got back from rj's openhouse. hmmm what can i say? the atmosphere wasn't too lively, the performances were nice but on the whole it isn't as "hot" or "fun" as compared to vj. maybe i expected a little more from rj. or it could because they're shifting so why bother.

i'm very tired. tired from all the waiting. it seemed like an endless wait. just when we were about to go for lunch at ghim moh, it poured. the lightning was scary and the thunder was piercing. nevertheless, i got to eat my favourite carrot cake. it's been so long since i last ate it, months i guess.

anyway, hope YOU were surprised even though it was quite pathetic. don't feel bad, feel touched instead. sacrifice my studying time to go all the way down. hahaz. i'm trying to make myself sound noble. actually it was nothing much, the least i could do maybe. take care and have fun on the actual day although you have pw.

and i must thank khoonwee for accompanying me there although part of you wanted to go too. don't you dare fall for him, i'll kill you! he's not your type but you can be my catalyst. secret between kw and me, too bad if you don't get it.

going for dinner at parkway's fish&co. later. last day of so-called fun today. FUN's over! distractions are gone. it's time for the real thing to begin. chem mock paper 3 tmr. practicals next week followed by the written papers in the weeks to come. endure 5 weeks! i believe all the hard work will pay off.

My computer's going to die!! Everything is lagging. Stupid computer!!

Anyway, I had a good laugh on sunday afternoon while reading HER blog. She admitted that she can't socialize which is oh-so-true. Always remember her as ken's gf who clang onto him the entire night. And she doesn't bother to attempt conversations with other people. At least I was nice and tried to talk to her over dinner. Too bad, I could feel her coldness just as she felt my ‘prowess’ as she put it. Here's an excerpt from her entry:

"finally saw how she looked like. and well.. i must say she is bubbly and cheerful. much more. and strangely.. even thou there's no need for me to feel so, i do feel threatened. like being eyed. like i'm gonna be preyed soon. that uneasiness.. because i know sth that she knows i may know. haha. chim? but yea.. and i felt like i was being observed from head to toe. yea.. and i feel that sense of display of prowress. which i used to feel when Mr A WAS in my life.. and i was in her range of attack."

I had intimidated her unknowingly. It wasn't intentional. Actually I'm innocent! Denise and I were just surveying all the couples. And I have no idea what ken has been telling her. Must have pre-warned her about meeting ME – the girl who 'likes' him. If only you read my blog, tell your precious gf not to worry because I DO NOT like you. You're like an older brother to me now who would buy me drinks. THAT'S ALL! Please do not be overly sensitive.

Guys and their huge ego which causes girls to worry unnecessarily and make enemies out of each other over nothing. Guys will always be guys. Get a life!

just got back not too long ago from shawn's welcome-home-cum-bdae party. it was kinda boring because it was almost all army talk. luckily denise and i had each other for company. ken brought his gf and she was sticking to him thru'out the night. sorry to say this but her real person does match her blog - childish. my perception of undergraduates are of a much higher standard.

well, denise said they don't look compatible and i agree. but my view is obviously biased. anyway it was quite exciting to note their actions. lovey-dovey indeed but i didn't feel that bad. i was just thinking of that particular someone because the youngsters came in pairs, be it friends or you know who.

slacken for two days now and my mind's been on the wrong track. thinking of the wrong things at the wrong time. i had better pull up my socks and FOCUS! sometime next week would come another distraction. quite excited about it actually. just have to keep reminding myself that everything done is in a capacity of a friend.

15/10/04: farewell assembly for vjc's 2003 batch.

seemed like another day of celebration. school gave us ice-cream. juniors bought pizza for us. got to eat the buffet catered for the teachers because there was a lot of leftover. concert was great! sharmir can sing! and the pianist is cute! i realise soccer guys are rather talented.

enjoyed myself on the whole today. had sex education at swensens in parkway after school with zhi heng enlightening me on so many issues. i must say he sounds really experienced.

i saw THE swatch watch again. it's the second time i'm falling in love with it. actually the silver one sherlyn got for her mum is nicer, but i don't know why i just fancy that black & white one. if i ever feel like buying it, i'll go back to that shop because there is 10% discount.

classmates, get me that watch! hahaz.

i've become the ultimate sinner in the family for having a foul temper. and the irony, the cause is the family. so kill me! i'm better off DEAD! at least then i'll be spared of this f**ked up family.

maybe i'm cursed.

so i found the big obstacle before my A levels.
the least expected of all - zara toh.

there was a firing squad just now.
the words exchanged of cos wasn't kind at all.
no courtesy spared.

now, i'm feeling nausea.
it's a mix of rage and sorrow.
talking to her makes me stoop to a lower level because she is very childish.
i'm not saying that she can't make her point clear but she does it in immature ways.

i was so determined to finish what i planned today.
by the looks of it, i failed to hit target again.
simply due to crazy reasons such as napping and domestic problems.

3 consecutive major exams and i still have to deal with gigantic problems whilst preparations.
it seems as if i can never break free from such shit.
it's antagonizing!
i earn my merits the hard way around.
i should be proud of myself.
unfortunately, reflecting on the chaotic life i have had the past 17 years and 10 months, i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well, that's my life, i have to deal.

maybe i'm really CURSED!

such is human; to stress over expectations; to ponder over decisions with no strings attached.

to start working hard for my future i must first know what i'm working for. these few days, i've been pondering hard on the course i want to take in the university, subsequently the uni that i will go to. unfortunately, i've reached no conclusion. there are so many push and pull factors.

i don't know if it's a good or bad thing that parents leave such decisions entirely in your hands. so long as that is what you think you want to do, they'll respect it and support you all the way. exactly the situation i'm in now. mum said everything is up to me.

i've set my target for A levels. 3 As & 1 B. A2 for GP. this is exactly the aim i had in mind when i first entered vjc. falling short of expectations is something that i've gotten used to in jc but i will still do my best!

officially the last of day of school in junior college. doubt there will be any tinge of nostalgia whatsoever as i move on with life. hopefully the friends i make will be for keeps. here, i would like to wish everyone ALL THE BEST for the upcoming A level examinations!

where do i go from here? will it be nus or smu? suddenly the double degree option offered in smu seems so appealing. honestly, there are many pull factors one being distance. next question is what do i want to do? these two questions are constantly on my mind hounding me almost every minute. it feels like an internal struggle more than a dilemma. i should just worry about this after i finish all the papers but procrastinating isn't helping either. HELP!!

glad to know you're alive and kicking. at least you bothered to msg online, unfortunately i was away. i hate it when my sms is not replied. it feels like crap! but then again, that's you. guess i just gotta accept it. the cure for missing a person is to see the person again. what if you cannot get to see that person? it's as good as dying from an incurable disease.

"tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree..."

The Yellow Ribbon Project, to give ex-convicts a second chance.
the charity concert was good.
performances by B.A.D, Tension, Tay Ping Hui and the ex-cons themselves etc.
i believe in supporting this cause.

anyway, here is the sms conversation b/w chanks and me.
"The uan website is finally revamped. check out www.uanworld.com"
"ok.. thank you.."
"it is actually my company =>"
"OH.. okay.. that's new.. ya.. still thanks.."
so he OWNS it! totally shocked!

ah, leslie kwok is one of the founding members.
he was present today as well.
drives a lime green mitsubishi colt.
not bad looking.
maybe someday i'll get to know him.

basically many things have happened over the past few days when i found no time to blog.
pardon my impatience on rushing angels&demons in 2 days.

all in all, i've learnt a lot from dan brown.
the only drawback is that i get skeptical about churches.
take today for example, went to st. mary of the angels.
my first visit there after the renovation.
i was taken aback to see jesus as if on an imaginary crucifix.
there was no cross at all, just him with arms spread and feet nailed together.
i didn't have too good a feeling.
maybe i'm losing my faith.